this makes me smile every time
Idea from http://www.yogajournal.com
Before you speak, it’s a good idea to ask yourself three questions:
Is this true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
“Does my partner bring out the best in me, encouraging and enabling me to be more successful and happy than I could be on my own?”
(From here)
No, he doesn’t. Well I gave up on this goal (nurture the relationship till November then reassess) anyway at the weekend, we’re having a trial separation.
He’s often imagining and warning me about so-called problems in my life which I don’t perceive as problems. I don’t find that helpful; I find it draining.
He often says he wants me to be dependent on him for my happiness; no thanks.
From the same post: “There are some people that inspire us to be greater than we thought we could.” Well instead of this I often feel I have to simply explain myself and be patient listening to him.
I almost feel bored a lot of the time when he talks, but instead I just listen patiently. I guess I could say I’m learning patience from this relationship, but it’s not what I had in mind.
I often feel I can’t join in to a dialogue as he doesn’t like being interrupted. If I add my opinion he says I am contradicting him. He gets defensive and says he feels boring and inadequate.
I didn’t really realise that until now, I hadn’t been able to articulate it before.
I don’t think he brings out the best in me, and he doesn’t inspire me. He tries to support me but it’s in a way that tries to make me depend on him, although he is very kind and considerate.
His opinions and conversations are often based on the format “Most people xyz, but I’m different, I abc”. That’s not really my thing. I don’t believe in comparing yourself to others (to such an extent) and I am not really interested in conversations about how unique he is, and belittling other people. Conversely, he says he sees good in everyone, but I don’t see evidence of that in the way he talks about others.
He is loving and caring, and very thoughtful. I remember saying to my friends “when it’s good, it’s very good”. I want to remember how.
(I remembered 30 mins later: Because he is so accepting of me).
Just spoke on the phone and I feel reassured now, it’s easy to get melodramatic when he’s in another country and I feel sad, but it’s gonna be okay.
He will feel like having kids soon enough and we make each other laugh.
What can I learn from this right now?
1. I am actually very accepting of various situations in a Tao kind of way
-> Learning something about myself: I seem to be living in the Tao. That said I’m not accepting everything. I am wondering whether to leave him and just live my life instead of accepting his depression and staying with him. Is it incompatible? I’m not sure. In some way, if I stay with him I am not accepting his depression but hoping he will change. If I accept his depression I have to leave him, as I can’t stay with it. If I accept he has depression I have to accept that he is therefore not right for me.
2. Even though I had known him since June (9 months), and it seemed great, there was a lot I did not know about him, including the extent of his depression.
-> Learning something about relationships: It isn’t always what it seems, even after 9 months with “the love of my life”
3. I don’t know what to do about the fact he is very depressed. -> Learning something about myself: I don’t know what to do. ha ha. This is actually in two parts – not knowing how to support him, and then also not knowing if I actually want to stay and try to support him, or leave and save myself.
4. Learning about myself that I am not sure how much I love him. I thought I did, but now he has revealed these things (see below), my feelings towards him have become more distant. I don’t know if it’s real distance or if it’s self protection.
5. Learning things about him:
a) He is not as sure about the relationship as I had thought.
b) He has severe clinical depression, much more than I realised.
c) He is so “scared” of failing as a father that if we had a child and then the relationship failed, he would “probably kill himself”.
6. Realising I don’t know if I want to support his depression. Why I am I being so selfish? Maybe because he is. Not exactly selfish but self preserving.
7. Learning that depression is contagious.
“Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”
- Henry Ford
November is when the baby would have been born. I feel sad for losing it. (Grief, actually). But it is an opportunity as well. It’s an opportunity to realise what state the relationship really is in, and how unwell he is, which I didn’t know before.
He says he is in such depression that the idea of having the baby paralysed him with fear. He would not have wanted it, and would have felt destroyed with guilt for not wanting it, and not have recovered, and probably would have abandoned me and the baby then felt paralysing guilt for the rest of his life.
That is to say, he believes he would never have recovered from the pain of this baby being born at a time when he didn’t want it.
He is not emotionally or psychologically well, at all.
I am not sure this is a relationship I want to be in. But he says that he is confident he’ll get better and can manage his depression through lifestyle and counselling. (As he has been telling me since we first met, with no changes, what a surprise).
When the relationship is good it’s really good for me. And I think you’re always alone inside a relationship in one way or another.
But I’m not sure how much we can learn and grow together. He has this thing that he wants me to be dependent on him for my happiness, which I really resist. I’m happy because of my own internal resources and my own life. My happiness is not dependent on someone else and I don’t believe it should be. It’s a very unhealthy way, in my opinion, if you depend on someone else for happiness, but he wants me to depend on him. Uh, no thanks, bye. Well, I am hoping things will change after he gets help.
The relationship is good enough for me that it’s worth trying to nurture for a little while. Try and support him in getting better from depression. I hope it will happen, but then hope is the other side of the coin to despair. I’m not yet at the point where I don’t mind if he gets better or not. I’m not going to stay with him no matter what – he wasn’t prepared to stay with me no matter what when we were talking about the baby. I know it’s not a trade off but that’s the way I feel. At the moment I am having difficulty seeing a positive future with him.
So, give it till November and work really hard at helping him and trying to decide if this is where I want to be. Then unless I can see a positive future together, for me and for him, in November I’ll leave him.
The way it is now, not after fixing it with dye and trying to change it.
Just let it be this way for a while, wait 4 months, maybe put a bit of blonde in it then. But don’t do anything else now. The dye has to all wash out first. (I used a semi-permanent over the blonde, again, just don’t do it again, okay?).
I like the urbanmonk site.
Lots of interesting stuff.
I can actually see this getting better and I’ve been surprised at my (non)-reactions several times this week.
Hope it continues
since starting hooping last wednesday my salsa has got loads better
it’s like dancing to timba suddenly seems so free and easy compared to the hoop. You’re ‘loca’, R told me this evening. (And last week too, ‘wild’ but hey. In a good way.)
and coming up to two years since my first ever salsa class, wow
I need to know and trust that I have been heard. Even if the other person is not responding in the way I expect or want. Even if the other person is not responding. It doesn’t mean they didn’t hear me. Know that they heard me.
I think I’m getting a little better at this.
Today I held back and didn’t repeat myself round and round even though I really wanted to.
Next step is not even wanting to.
C said it seems I don’t feel ‘heard’. I need to feel heard.
I know there are going to be some suggestions made to take a decision that really goes against my beliefs.
I want to be able to express my beliefs in a non-confrontational, harmonious and respectful way.
I also don’t want that decision to be taken.
I also want to make sure I am a nice easy colleague and they don’t end up thinking I’m difficult.
Say things softly and like an alternative.
Don’t ask ‘why’ questions
Don’t say things like “but surely..” “but isn’t that ..”
Say things in a nice soft agreeing sort of way
I wish I was better at this
it makes me upset :(
I ordered a weighted hoop with magnetic bobbles on.
Just waiting for it to arrive now.
I think it will be fun.
For me I think this might be one of the things at the root of my ‘learn to relax’ goal. It is the other side of the coin, which is escaping from stress.
I mean, I can relax if I spend time trying to (e.g. have a bath, or lie down and read), but that is different from being free from stress during everyday life.
It’s also linked to not feeling anxious.
