pshnerd

yeah its pretty sad actually. Instead of killing myself to be a part of something that all my friends were doing, I decided to do something for myself. Now I feel like they are almost punishing me, its crazy. Shouldn’t they just understand that I’m just not into the same things as they are? And somehow I know that they would just turn things around on me… shift the blame onto me. So now I’m trying to adapt. its hard because they were basically my life. I don’t really know what the point of everything is. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I’m just creeping through my routine without really caring.

I put too much importance on finding self worth from other people. But, to be honest, I’m obsessive about something as casual as my friends. They are everything to me. My life. Everything. I’m not sure how much people really understand that. So when I lose touch with people… feel them drift away from me… it hurts, you know? I feel I can only really be myself around them. Well, now that’s not true either. I’ve never really been myself around anyone cause I wouldn’t even know who the hell that person was if I wanted to. But I digress. I want to be loved. To know that if I were to be gone the next day, someone would actually give a crap and would kill to get me back. Yeah. But who am I to say that I even deserve that? I don’t know. All I know is that’s what I want.

I honestly truly want to be able to look back and be proud of every decisions I’ve made, whether they are good or bad. It wouldn’t matter. As long as I can be proud of where I am… I can be proud of where I’ve been.