psychicspies

I don’t know how long ago it was that I dreamed of falling in this ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love. I guess I thought it would be romantic and noble to hurt so much when we’d be apart or something. And then a couple of months ago I gave up on this goal because I didn’t want to tie myself down by these traditional definitions about “real” love.

And now I’ve done it. I’ve fallen in real ridiculous inconveneint consuing can’t live without each other love.

Without asking for it this time. Without wanting it.

I guess that technically I’m living. We are an ocean and several countries apart. And I’m alive.

But only in the strictest of senses. Yes I am breathing. Yes I can still laugh. I can still feel. But every moment that I am enjoying something else, it is only half enjoyment because I am thinking about him.

And sometimes it hurts, it actually physically hurts somewhere deep inside of me, that he is not here.

The funny thing about me giving up on this goal is that I have this amazing man in my life right now that I love and that is very much in love with me. This man whom, when I think of him, makes me smile. Who I can spend hours talking to. Who has, quite seriously, changed my life. Who I want to be with.

But can I live without him? It would hurt a lot for a very long time, but I’d get over it. And what is real love anyway? I don’t know if I even believe in it..

But I’ve been trying to come to terms with my own definition of love, and I think that for me at least, these traditional definitions of love just don’t work for me.

I’ve gotten the “someone who loves me too” part down. Now I just have to figure out if what I feel is love or not.

How do you know? Ever?

Maybe it’s enough that I’m happy with him, that I’m willing to take a chance, to give up other flings and relationships and lo que sea to be with him.

Maybe that’s enough?