puterg33k

So close, yet so far… I simply can’t wait anymore, I want out!

So here I am, almost 27. I’ve never been married, I’ve had one serious girlfriend. I feel its time I should settle down. All these things I say I never wanted; kids, my own family, a wife, the dog, white picket fence. I find now that I want it all. The ARMY is obviously not a place to look for a wife, however; people have found there spouse here. I don’t really know if my life should be on hold, or if I should be actively looking? I guess perhaps going out to bars every weekend is the wrong place to look for a long term relationship. I wonder what will become of me, will I become my father? Perhaps my mother? I feel like I’m a 27 year old boy. I don’t really know what I want, or even how to achieve it. I just feel like my body/mind/soul is telling me; hey, its time to settle down. You’ve had your fun, maybe it’s time to create life.

I like that whole idea, it’s just time to create. No more destruction, I have no more fight left in me. I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to shoot, I don’t want to destroy anything anymore. I don’t feel like lashing out anymore. I’m beaten, by myself, the ARMY, my EX who recently got married. Her and I have been broken up for so long now, yet it still has an impact on me. It’s amazing the imprints we leave in others lives. Some things never change, like love. I don’t think you ever really get over love, if you’ve truely loved. It stays with you, a piece of that persons soul is imprinted onto yours, forever I suppose…

So many ideologies that run through my head; morality, loyalty, consequence… When is this game over? I think I don’t want to play anymore. I’ve seen and done, what I think I needed to see and do. I hate being single, I’m tired of it. I used to love being single. I hate the game, the chase, the pickup, the bedding, and moving on. Fun…sure, but self destructive? When do your social confines or lack there of come into construct with that little feeling/voice that used to tell you not to do something. (your soul)

I think I’m not going to be promiscuous anymore. I haven’t slept around really in over a year now. I don’t know if it’s all too convenient of me or if I’ve become self righteous? Perhaps both, jezzz… I am turning into my parents. Anyway, I see some of the young men and women in the ARMY. The way they conduct themselves, it kinda grosses me out. I can’t stop but think, hey, you’re no better. I was a bit of a slut in high school… I guess I am no better.

I think I’m to safe, to judgmental. I so afraid of getting screwed that I don’t let anyone get close. Even those I do let get close, I put massive boundaries between. Jesus, I am my parents. What’s to become of me I wonder? I don’t want to end up with someone that I don’t value and doesn’t value me. Going through the motions, secretly cheating, putting up with each other so we can make ends meat. Or worse, pretending like we do care just because we’re comfortable.

I guess I’m getting older, but not growing up.

I’ve not been here in a while. It’s time again for some self reflection. I’ve been in the ARMY for a while now, it’s hard to stay focused. I think to much about myself and my own amenities, the things I miss so much life family and my ex. I live so much in the past, it’s become so hard to see a future. I need to learn to be selfless and focus more on the things that matter.

I was born in the United States, this means to me that I’m already very lucky. I tend to focus so much on the things that I had and that I no longer have than the commitment to sacrifice that I had made. I’ve been very miserable and have felt extremely lost. I feel as if I’m trapped in a box, only a small view outward. I can see other people on the outside having fun, enjoying each other. Living life; love, family, togetherness. These very things that move me, I feel I no longer have. My life is on hold, but; I chose this. I’ve never been surrounded by so many people, yet I feel so completely alone. My family is on the other side of the United States. My State California, I miss it. I miss the beach, my family, my friends.

I’ve recently had to take a look at myself and I’m miserable. I can only think of the things that are gone, not the things that I’m giving up to help others. Sacrifice is a funny act, the act of giving up your pleasures and needs to help others. This is obviously not a soup kitchen, I can’t go home after a days work. I don’t instantly feel good about myself for having had done this. My work is far from done.

I need the wisdom to stop thinking about me, and consider what I’ve signed up to do. Do my best at whatever I can and then move on. I have to stop thinking about what I’ve lost. I must start thinking about what I’m going to gain in helping others.