quefire

So many people have said to me over and over “you have to let it go”.
So many things I dwell on and never seem to be able to let them go.
I want to change that. I don’t want to live in the land of dwell and focus so much on the past. I want to be hopeful about the future and all that is out there…

I went on a vacation to Mexico in 2001 with some girl friends. We were staying in the same hotel and I had met his friends but had yet to meet him even though I saw him around.
On the second last night we finally met. I never expected to meet anyone on vacation let alone someone who lived in the same country as I did! We briefly talked about a long distance relationship. He left for home a day before I did and I was eager to get home to be in contact. We kept in contact with emails and the occasional phone call.
Over the years he had a couple of girlfriends but we remained friends. I was convinced that I was the girl for him and he was the guy for me even though he wasn’t willing to try a long distant relationship. I should have seen the signs early on but I think I was in denial. I tried to cut him out of my life numerous times but always seemed to end up communicating with him again. About two years ago he got married to someone he met on a vacation (how ironic). I continued to try to get him out of my life but at the same time I thought he married the wrong woman. I was open with my feelings and he knew the way I felt about things and often found it difficult to be friends with him. Although he was now married there were often times where we were flirty and inappropriate with one another. It’s been 7 years of this and I need to move forward in my life. I feel as though this so called friendship is holding me back and I continue to give myself false hope with this now married man! So I told him that I needed to move on and he respected my decision. I always come crawling back but this time I want it to be different! There has to be someone out there for me!!

I love spending time with my friends but I also love doing my own thing. I think sometimes I forget how much fun it is and get so isolated doing my own thing.
Other times I think that maybe I am afraid to get too close to people for fear of them moving away or getting married and having kids and not having as much time to spend with each other.
So it is easier to just be and not have to deal with the hurt that may come with the risk of spending time.