rainydayinmay

I really love the Sara Bareilles song “Gravity”... I think it’s the one thing that I “fall to” when I really miss him. This thing, this pull, is so much like gravity. I know, as well as anyone, that the longer I go that he is inaccessible. As the song says… ”...but you touch me for a little while, and all of my fragile strength is gone…”
And it’s been awhile. I lost count of the days (which is an important step.)
I’ve been here before. It had been almost 6 months of no communication and I was doing amazingly well, until I heard from him. I crumbled…

I’m in a good place.
I do miss him, and if I allow myself to dwell on that, I can’t breathe. BUT I can move beyond that. I don’t NEED him, to breathe. I don’t feel this consuming need to reach out to him.

When a dark moment comes I just sing these words over and over… Because the truth in them in everything.

”...But you’re neither friend nor foe, though I can’t seem to let you go the one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down…”

It’s in the quiet, late night moments when I reflect in the honesty of our situation.
Of our lives.
Of everything, really.
The one certainty I know is that I miss you less, right this second, than days ago. Far less than weeks ago.
I’m finally catching on the rhythm of these waves though, and I know that I’m merely one breath away from being there- drowning in you again.
I hate it there.
I know it may not seem like, but I do.
I’m in check.
Every second, every moment I have to hold myself together.
Not numb, necessarily, but detatched…

I dream of a day where I can be whole without you being a part of it. I believe it’s possible.
That tiny voice in the back of my head whispers “no, you wish that he would just be a part of it” but I don’t. I know the mess you are. I know that, as much as my heart may esteem you as the better and more beautiful part of me- you aren’t.

My life IS better with out you.
I AM BETTER without you.
I just don’t quite know how to be, without you.

This song played, randomly, in my quiet thoughts tonight. Substitute a word here or there, his perspective for her (mine) and we’d have it.
I’m better. I’m farther than I’ve maybe been before.
But I still miss you.
Always…

You were the only face I’d ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won’t exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.

It was the only place I’d ever known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won’t exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there.

Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.

*Lyrics by The Academy Is

I’ve never nut shelled the chapters of my life, with him, before. Never. Then, last night I did in an effort to help a friend.

it was so strange. On one hand it made me feel stronger, like I could totally make him a part of my past.
A memory.
On the other hand, I felt so much like I was detached from a piece of me. I felt this horrible, out of body, disconnected feeling.

I hate, most of all, that feeling. The one that says “Look at who he is, without you. You will be just as broken and, at best, half alive without him.”
I know it’s not true…