rainydayinmay

I really love the Sara Bareilles song “Gravity”... I think it’s the one thing that I “fall to” when I really miss him. This thing, this pull, is so much like gravity. I know, as well as anyone, that the longer I go that he is inaccessible. As the song says… ”...but you touch me for a little while, and all of my fragile strength is gone…”
And it’s been awhile. I lost count of the days (which is an important step.)
I’ve been here before. It had been almost 6 months of no communication and I was doing amazingly well, until I heard from him. I crumbled…

I’m in a good place.
I do miss him, and if I allow myself to dwell on that, I can’t breathe. BUT I can move beyond that. I don’t NEED him, to breathe. I don’t feel this consuming need to reach out to him.

When a dark moment comes I just sing these words over and over… Because the truth in them in everything.

”...But you’re neither friend nor foe, though I can’t seem to let you go the one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down…”

It’s in the quiet, late night moments when I reflect in the honesty of our situation.
Of our lives.
Of everything, really.
The one certainty I know is that I miss you less, right this second, than days ago. Far less than weeks ago.
I’m finally catching on the rhythm of these waves though, and I know that I’m merely one breath away from being there- drowning in you again.
I hate it there.
I know it may not seem like, but I do.
I’m in check.
Every second, every moment I have to hold myself together.
Not numb, necessarily, but detatched…

I dream of a day where I can be whole without you being a part of it. I believe it’s possible.
That tiny voice in the back of my head whispers “no, you wish that he would just be a part of it” but I don’t. I know the mess you are. I know that, as much as my heart may esteem you as the better and more beautiful part of me- you aren’t.

My life IS better with out you.
I AM BETTER without you.
I just don’t quite know how to be, without you.

This song played, randomly, in my quiet thoughts tonight. Substitute a word here or there, his perspective for her (mine) and we’d have it.
I’m better. I’m farther than I’ve maybe been before.
But I still miss you.
Always…

You were the only face I’d ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won’t exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.

It was the only place I’d ever known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won’t exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there.

Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.

*Lyrics by The Academy Is

I’ve never nut shelled the chapters of my life, with him, before. Never. Then, last night I did in an effort to help a friend.

it was so strange. On one hand it made me feel stronger, like I could totally make him a part of my past.
A memory.
On the other hand, I felt so much like I was detached from a piece of me. I felt this horrible, out of body, disconnected feeling.

I hate, most of all, that feeling. The one that says “Look at who he is, without you. You will be just as broken and, at best, half alive without him.”
I know it’s not true…

My moments of weakness, where I contact him, are grow fewer.
That horrible ache to connect to him seems to consume me less.
Still though, the idea that “he” is the person behind my use of the word “him” somehow makes an entirely ordinary word seem so incredibly beautiful and intense.

I hate him for what he’s done to me.

But I would buckle and fall for him all over again if he said the word.

i hate ME for that…

It has been 11 days since I last contacted him. I’m done. I HAVE to be done.

I’ve given it up a few times, for long periods of time. I keep coming back to it. For my weight loss goal of Dec. 31, I vow to NOT have soda until then.

Friday July 24th…

- Walked for 20 minutes.
- Played in pool with daughter, teaching her to swim and tread water. 45 min.

- Join the rec center.
- Have 4 extensive workouts a week.
- practice yoga more.

By Christmas.
I must!
My husband sent me photos of the house we lost in Michigan and I cried. All of our beautiful room colors… the bedroom being the most beautiful…

I lose so much time… Once I put my daughter to bed, it’s like hours go by at the rate of minutes and midnight hits. I have a million things left to do, plus I needed to work on writing… and yet sleep is crucial for any amount of productivity the next day…

I think about this all of the time. I don’t want to pursue it until my novel has been published. I think that would just be a lot easier. I want my book to demonstrate and love and an artistic inspiration in food. I want it to be filled with photos and be wonderful for all levels of cooks…

Am I hoping for too much?

I am really hoping my sister will come. There are people in my in-laws family who think it’s dumb that I want to host… (Let’s see, I love to cook and they don’t. I have experience hosting parties and they have drunken brawls. hmmm.)

I am just hoping my sister and her family will come. I doubt it, but already my daughter hates that her cousins are never around. esp. after her grandparents have disappointed her so much.

I used to live for paper letters. I sent out hordes of it a week, and cherished each piece I got. Sadly I now have scatters of notes and cards I’m months behind in relying to, and when I do pull out my stationary and a quality pen, I can think of nothing to say…

life has literally turned upside down and I am really hoping that this is what I need to get back in the swing of cooking. I miss it, but it’s like a fine dance… Sometimes it’s hard to get back in with the groove of the step…

Wish me luck!

Now that I no longer live near that part of Canada, I’ve given up on this…

well… aside from family drama, in November I have committed to NaNoWriMo, NaBloPoMo… On top of that, my husband will be home for the holiday and it will be the first time we’ve seen him in months… My BFF may being flying out to visit and I am STRESSED just thinking about it!

With life changing so drastically, I’ve been slow to do this. I have a few recipes… And I am going to create a few more for this Thanksigiving…

B for Babel- because this movie really makes me think. It challenges my perception on judgement and not only how I talk to others but how I see and hear them….

C is for Chocolat- that my relationship with God may always be about a relationship and not one shaped by legalism in the name of God…

C is also for Charade… I adore Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn but the story in this movie is truly wonderful! the music and cinematography are before their time and it’s quirkiness is sheer perfection!

D ________

E is for: Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind because this movie reminds me of the importance of each moment. Even the ones that hurt work in us to become better people…

F is for: Fight Club because it is simply the awesomest movie EVER! It is by far the tightest dialogue that a script has ever seen… It is quotable throughout, edgy, in your face…

G is for Garden State: I think that this movie is brilliant. The subtle symbolism combined with the great script/plot/storyline, strong performances, amazing soundtrack and is incredibly esthetically pleasing!

H is for Hotel Rwanda because it raises awareness for those things that we easily pretend don’t exist. It isn’t just us as people, but the Media who heartlessly withholds truths because there is a bigger profit to them if they do… It’s a beautifully filmed and convicting movie…

I us for In America: I waited forever to see this film, and when I finally did, I found myself so moved. I don’t know if i can pinpoint exactly why I love this movie… It is beautiful, encouraging, inspiring, renewing , devastating, haunting… It is simply poetic and beautiful…

Well… Upon moving home to Idaho, family drama has crept up and this bit of a dream is sort of becoming a nightmare. GASP!

I need to humble myself and try harder…

though I have since, chopped it off… It was worth it just to discipline myself.

What I never thought possible, I’ve done! the circumstances are less than lovely but it’s good to be home!