rainymood

I could talk to him about anything. But I can’t. I seem to shut down and not be able to get the words out when it’s something important and emotional. He can be impatient with me which doesn’t help, but I wish I could just get the dam words out – and then at least he would be able to see the start of what goes through my head. I really think he has no idea.

I hate how this happens….We are behind on the bills again, and somehow it’s all my fault and not any of my husbands. He thinks he can spend money all over and not tell me about it, when there are bills to be paid, checks that will clear…

Payday is soon, but the money is already owed to someone else…

Yesterday I couldn’t even concentrate enough to put an entry in here… I just wanted to cry most of the day. Today seems a little better. I’m not sure how to pull myself out of the slump I’ve been in, but I’m trying. I’ve been struggling with depression most of my life I think – well, short bouts of it anyway. Like after my mom died, and after my brother died…but this last bout has lasted probably close to a year and a half or more. There have been days when I didn’t get out of bed, or if I did – I didn’t get dressed or leave the house. I’ve had to force myself to not do that. For now, I just keep getting up each day and pushing through it even when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and hide.

I’ve read about self talk. – I know I have only negative self talk, and I’ve thought if I could change that, then maybe things would start getting better from the inside out…but for right now – I am not doing so well with it. For every positive self talk thing I make myself think about there is an equally negative one, right behind it that I think I’m arguing with. Is that crazy? Probably so, huh?

Later in the day:

Today is feeling more like yesterday as it goes on. I get that tight feeling in my chest, neck and sholders – and a slight headache coming on..(and I pray it’s not another migraine)...my heart seems to be pounding faster and faster and louder until it’s the competing noise in my head, my breathing is shallow and quick – and I have no idea why. I want to run. I want to run somewhere safe that I will be ok – and no one will yell, judge or be cruel to me. A warm, dark, safe place.
The problem is I don’t have a place like that. No, not even home.
All I want to do is sleep, I wonder – why did I get out of bed today??? Oh yeah – to keep a job that I don’t like, for a paycheck to pay the overwhelming pile of bills.
Everybody else does this every day – why is it so hard for me? I should be able to do this. Other people are happy with doing this and they have things they like to do after they get done with jobs they don’t like – why don’t I?- what is wrong with me?

The depression is really getting ahold of me again. The last time this happened, I wasn’t working, and I just stayed home and stayed in bed and somehow I got through it. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this much longer. I feel so empty, like there is nothing left to give.