rammsteincrazy

I don’t know if I’m going to try to be a cop in MA or CT, which determines what I’m going to have to be able to do. The test in MA is much more practical, but preparing for it is more confusing because there aren’t like specific standards of what I have to be able to do. The CT test leaves less room to vary, but at the same time at least I know what I need to be able to do. Anyway, I’m training, and since I can’t take the test for at least eight months anyway (you have to be 21) I guess I have plenty of time to get ready.

...is that I constantly have to pee! But I feel better, have a lot more energy and snack less, now that I’m drinking more water (and green tea instead of Red Bull).

So I’m kind of exercising every day… I walk to and from work whenever it’s not raining, and I workout with my trainer two times per week. However, my training ends soon, and I’m afraid that the walking is going to become my only form of exercise, and that’s going to stop when summer ends. I just don’t know how to get that motivation to get my ass into the gym by myself. Help!

When I waste time, I also tend to simultaneously eat junk. So accomplishing this goal will kill two birds with one stone!
Ways to be productive:
-exercise
-explore boston
-clean my room/apartment
-go shopping
-read
-decorate
-do something crafty
-do laundry

I’ve started seeing a personal trainer. I may be at a healthy weight now, but because I put it on so quickly, it’s all fat and no muscle. So he’s going to get my ass in shape. Plus he gave me a meal plan to follow – it’s designed for people with insulin resistance, so it has no refined carbs in it, which are generally my trigger foods – so I can lose fat but gain muscle. My ideal body is changing.

I’m on Cymbalta now and feeling much better. 110lbs is an unrealistic goal for me. I’ve changed my body goals and am determined to no longer let them rule my life! I can get in control!

I give up on going to the gym. It only makes me feel bad when I don’t want to go. I just don’t like the atmosphere. However, I do like walking, so that’s my new thing – I walk home from work every day. It’s like two and a half miles, so that’s pretty good, right?

In my quest to overcome bulimia, I’ve mostly stopped purging. However, the drive to binge is still there, and I’m only able to resist it every other day. Thus, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight. But I’m determined to lose it in a healthy way this time! No fasting or eating only 150 calories per day – that’s only counterproductive, anyway. I am walking home from work every day and trying to eat only healthy foods, including protein at every meal to keep me feeling full and keeping sugar low to keep my blood sugar stable. Wish me luck!

After trying many different drugs, I’m finally on 30mg of Cymbalta, and I think it’s working. I’m feeling kind of happy! My binges are less, and I haven’t purged in a week!

now I sleep too much!

to go with.

if I’m 110lbs by then, maybe I’ll consider myself under control. but being out of control like this – i can’t do it for another year.

3.6 this semester!

So while it worked for a while, eventually veganism was just more restricting, and of course the more I can’t have something the more I want it…

so i’ve been vegan for four-ish days now, and so far i feel good. i already notice that i have more energy, and don’t feel so badly about myself for eating. the hard part is coming up, with thanksgiving and christmas, but if i can get through that (in my family, this is going to be crazy difficult) i figure i’ll be able to stick through anything and will consider myself to have succeeded in becoming a vegan.

exercise doesn’t have to be anything crazy. it doesn’t have to mean joining a gym or running five miles. something as simple as taking a walk, going up and down stairs, dancing – all that is exercise. i spend enough time sitting around doing nothing – why not get out and do SOMETHING?? i can have fun and burn calories at the same time!!

god i wish i could stop this horrible cycle. it sucks you in. don’t start.

I hate it. People look at me and I feel self-conscious and I dislike exercise. So I’m not going to worry about going. I’ll just take walks.

Running hurts my knees and I’ve given up on being a cop so it’s really just not worth it. It doesn’t burn that many calories for all the work, either.

So I’ve finally bitten the bullet and checked myself into an eating disorder outpatient program. So far nothing seems to have changed, but it’s only been a couple weeks. My psychiatrist prescribed me Abilify to help with my anxiety and impusivity, but there’s an insurance problem so I have to call on Monday and get that straightened out. But yeah. I’ll keep you all posted.