I'm doing 32 things
By “sick” I am speaking figuratively. Mentally drained and emotionally exhausted, I am weary. I’m frustrated because there are things on my mind, on my personal mind, but there is no time to even think or organize my thoughts. There is no time, no space, everything is going to work and then trying to keep up with school. I do feel like crying a little. I want a break, I really do. But I know I’ve talked about why allowing myself a break is so difficult.
I want to breathe. I need to breathe. When I’m not writing a paper I’m researching for one, and then there is no time to study for a test. I drop all of that to go to work and come back exhausted, there is my final exam tomorrow morning and I have not had any opportunity to study, I’m finishing a project for another class due tomorrow also. I know I may be preaching to the chior here. I know my situation is not the worst. I also know I need to stop working myself like this but I’m so afraid to stop.
It’s my least favorite time of year again. Graduation photos are popping up in the newspapers and people are talking about their exciting high school graduation parties and plans for college. I hate this time of year so much, it is so terribly painful. The caps and those damn gowns, I feel like those are honors I blew for myself. Some of the most evil, unfriendly and coniving students made it to the podium, meanwhile I was wearing cuffs and being lead to a secure lockdown facility for “bad” boys and “bad” girls. These feelings and thoughts and self-declared inadecuacy consume me around this time every year since what would have been my graduation ceremony. In December, I’ll deal with the same flashbacks as the holidays roll around, when Christmas 2006 came and went without me, as I sat in custody awaiting a court date. When will I let this go? It just hurts so bad every time I look back.
Tommorow morning I head into the city for what will be the final day of the first round of summer classes. After that I have a few days off, then I work a few days, and then the next session of classes begins on Monday. I just want to get my diploma and walk at a graduation. For now I teeter mentally on what feels like a thin line between great success and great failure. If the day ever comes it will be overwhelming. I’d drag myself there even if I had pneumonia. It would be a very emotional day. That’s if I manage to get that far without either killing myself first or going to prison, the two terrors that are never absent from my nightmares.
