Draco




I'm doing 32 things
 

Draco's Life List

  1. 1. Beat my depression
    160 entries . 64 cheers
    1,647 people
  2. 2. learn to be happy with myself, by myself, for myself
    1 entry . 44 cheers
    208 people
  3. 3. believe in myself
    9 cheers
    1,130 people
  4. 4. feel better about myself
    10 cheers
    331 people
  5. 5. graduate from college
    10 entries . 15 cheers
    5,882 people
  6. 6. identify 100 things that make me happy.
    8 entries . 10 cheers
    2,155 people
  7. 7. let go of the past
    10 cheers
    1,529 people
  8. 8. List 100 things I love about myself
    11 entries . 8 cheers
    16 people
  9. 9. relax
    2 entries . 7 cheers
    1,846 people
  10. 10. find a best friend
    1 entry . 1 cheer
    377 people
  11. 11. discover a guy who can accept me, understand me and be a real friend
    4 entries . 11 cheers
    2 people
  12. 12. Improve my self-esteem
    3 cheers
    863 people
  13. 13. have more fun
    11 cheers
    1,167 people
  14. 14. be close to someone
    2 cheers
    3 people
  15. 15. be successful
    3 cheers
    2,221 people
  16. 16. make a difference
    8 cheers
    6,628 people
  17. 17. stop homophobia
    11 entries . 22 cheers
    122 people
  18. 18. find a companion
    1 entry . 5 cheers
    21 people
  19. 19. be an inspiration
    7 cheers
    185 people
  20. 20. lose weight
    6 entries
    35,274 people
  21. 21. be thin
    1,104 people
  22. 22. write a memoir
    4 cheers
    307 people
  23. 23. write more poetry
    10 entries . 5 cheers
    904 people
  24. 24. create the soundtrack to my life
    5 entries . 6 cheers
    1,758 people
  25. 25. Drive a train
    1 entry . 4 cheers
    20 people
  26. 26. save $251 and spend it on model trains
    3 cheers
    1 person
  27. 27. travel regularly on Amtrak
    1 entry . 5 cheers
    1 person
  28. 28. visit Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
    3 cheers
    2 people
  29. 29. be financially independent
    4 cheers
    1,491 people
  30. 30. Design my dream house
    1 entry . 3 cheers
    707 people
  31. 31. dream
    1 entry . 4 cheers
    192 people
  32. 32. sell something through eBay
    2 cheers
    1 person
Recent entries
Beat my depression (read all 160 entries…)
I feel sick. 1 week ago

By “sick” I am speaking figuratively. Mentally drained and emotionally exhausted, I am weary. I’m frustrated because there are things on my mind, on my personal mind, but there is no time to even think or organize my thoughts. There is no time, no space, everything is going to work and then trying to keep up with school. I do feel like crying a little. I want a break, I really do. But I know I’ve talked about why allowing myself a break is so difficult.
I want to breathe. I need to breathe. When I’m not writing a paper I’m researching for one, and then there is no time to study for a test. I drop all of that to go to work and come back exhausted, there is my final exam tomorrow morning and I have not had any opportunity to study, I’m finishing a project for another class due tomorrow also. I know I may be preaching to the chior here. I know my situation is not the worst. I also know I need to stop working myself like this but I’m so afraid to stop.

It’s my least favorite time of year again. Graduation photos are popping up in the newspapers and people are talking about their exciting high school graduation parties and plans for college. I hate this time of year so much, it is so terribly painful. The caps and those damn gowns, I feel like those are honors I blew for myself. Some of the most evil, unfriendly and coniving students made it to the podium, meanwhile I was wearing cuffs and being lead to a secure lockdown facility for “bad” boys and “bad” girls. These feelings and thoughts and self-declared inadecuacy consume me around this time every year since what would have been my graduation ceremony. In December, I’ll deal with the same flashbacks as the holidays roll around, when Christmas 2006 came and went without me, as I sat in custody awaiting a court date. When will I let this go? It just hurts so bad every time I look back.

Tommorow morning I head into the city for what will be the final day of the first round of summer classes. After that I have a few days off, then I work a few days, and then the next session of classes begins on Monday. I just want to get my diploma and walk at a graduation. For now I teeter mentally on what feels like a thin line between great success and great failure. If the day ever comes it will be overwhelming. I’d drag myself there even if I had pneumonia. It would be a very emotional day. That’s if I manage to get that far without either killing myself first or going to prison, the two terrors that are never absent from my nightmares.



Beat my depression (read all 160 entries…)
summer classes 3 weeks ago

They’re heavy. There is so much work assigned that it’s not possible to keep up. I’m used to it though. I’m used to being exhausted.

I wish I had more time to think about things though, and to write more poetry. I’ve been feeling empty still and wondering what else is out there, what the future may hold for me. I would like for something good to happen. I just got a new job at Giant supermarket, I think that’s something good. So far I like it. Maybe I could save up some money. I would also like to make new friends.



Beat my depression (read all 160 entries…)
still trying 1 month ago

I’m currently taking my online alcohol class that my school’s forcing me to take if I ever hope to receive my degree from them. It is extremely stupid and I’m embarassed every time I waste time on its webpage. It’s just another voice that I already hear from my mother- it’s a website designed to nag. Its overall message: Alcohol bad, studying good. Actions have consequences, make good decisions… eat your vegetables…
two words for that website and the shit they’re making me do: FUCK YOU;
worth saying again, FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMNIT FUCK YOU!

I am so angry. Do they think I don’t have a thousand things I have to do already? In their defense, I can hear them say, “well you had the time to get drunk on campus that night, so why don’t you have time for the consequences?”
God, just Fuck You.

It makes me SO, SO MAD. I just hate everything, my whole life is a waiting room for bad things to happen, and worse things to happen. I’m so angry I just want to not even go to school anymore, I just want to say FUCK IT ALL. This is TOTAL BULLSHIT….....................................



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