rbuttermilk

I sit up straight when I engage with 43things, certainly. There’s so many other facets of this goal— just walking around and walking tall, holding my stomach in, generally feeling focused and engaged with the universe. I’ll try my best to do this today… I should think of some means of counting how many times I remember to focus, though at the moment I feel this low resistance tunnel between my eyes and my future.

:)

I need to tabulate, enumerate the things that keep me burning. I need to strengthen the muscles of my superego— surprisingly so, considering how binding it was just a few short years ago— by learning the responses I have to certain “abusable” stimuli. I am currently listening to Shostakovich’s neo-WTC and it is making me anxious, though I am infinitesimally ignited— incited— by Tatiana Nicoleyeva. Switching to Brahms 118/5 isn’t helping either.

I admit that I am here even considering this after stalking the cute vines of a certain KC James, whose perfect scruff and boyish face meant my own disturbing envy. But this is a harnessable skill that I have sought since HS. I have to change the Brahms; now is not the time.

The Bolero from Moulin Rouge. Movie soundtracks— movies themselves, even— would be on this list. KC James is, embarrassingly, on this list. Smooth jazz and The Shins Radio on Pandora, is on this list. (In general, music I shouldn’t be listening to is on this list.)

I need to want to do what I want to do. Damn, what a splitting sentence! There are literally two of me. I know this isn’t anything novel, this idea of the divided brain has been around for a century now and for the whole of my late youth. But this is timewasting in itself, purely journaling here.

Using 43things itself is a way to stay focused, obviously. It is motivating and igniting.

Okay, to wrap this up I’ll enumerate a small list:

• Movies
• Movie soundtracks
• Tumblr posts, haha
• 43things
• Pandora
• Listography, lists in general
• Water

• Facebook
• GRINDR! haha embarr
• Instagram
• Classical music, unfortunately
• Eating
• ... resistance.

Do you understand? Damn.

I do chin-ups on the bar in the shower (dangerous!, allegedly) every day. I did twelve earnest chin-ups today, and it was a bitch— but it seems to be getting easier. I started at six, a few weeks ago? To the sky.