It has been almost 4 months since I broke up with my first love (after 5 years together).
I am very close to reaching my goal. The only reason why wouldn’t say I am completely over him is because I still carry some resentment and anger over the breakup. Those feelings of love are gone, I think less and less about our united past and think more and more about my exciting future (as a single woman), I no longer have fits of jealousy when thinking about him with someone else and most importantly I now see this breakup as something that was painful but also necessary.
You see I was truly happy with him but I became complacent both with my relationship and in other parts of my life. This breakup has forced me to feel again- both pleasant and not so pleasant sensations. But I have replaced a sort of numbness with this vivacity and eagerness to get out and live!
For those of you still reeling in the first raw stages of a breakup if I can offer some advice to get through it. 1) deal with the pain and the emotions in a healthy way. Do not turn to drugs, drinking, sleeping around, etc. to numb the pain. I forced myself to be active, make new friends, exercise, dance, do whatever made me feel emotionally and physically good. 2) Make a clean and permanent break!!!! I cannot reiterate this enough. This means no SMS, no texts, no emails,and no badgering friends for updates on your ex. The longer the breakup is drawn out the more pain you will endure, the more nasty it gets, the more mind games are played, and the more you will regret it in the end. Going straight from Lovers to Friends Does NOT work! Only make contact with your ex after you are 300% sure you are over him not one minute before. 3) Give yourself the time to mourn- Stare at the wall for hours on end, indulge in breakup songs, let your mind go where it wants to (even let it explore the sordid details of the breakup), if you are girl- reach out to your girlfriends and chat for hours on end if need be (in fact every time I was tempted to call my ex I would call up one of my gf and tell them exactly what I was planning to say to him. very therapeutic and saved me from making a fool of myself), mope around the house. do all that stuff for the first little bit ( I was in this phase for 3 weeks). 4) Once you are ready to end your pity party, now it is time to start thinking about YOUR single life post breakup. Focus your energy on you and not on the ex. Give yourself a makeover (new haircut, new clothes, paint your toenails), become a social butterfly, try new experiences to help you rediscover YOUR interests and YOUR pleasures in life. With time you will recognize the freedom and independance you have gained from breaking away from someone else. To me this was most astonishing because I always thought myself to be independant even when I was with my ex, but it was when I ventured out as a single gal that I realized how many of my pleasures and interests I gave up for him. 5) Love yourself and surround yourself with people who build you up don’t break you down. It is natural that your self-esteem will suffer a blow as a result of being dumped. Now is the time to seek out the friends who have nice things to say about you and remind you of how important you are to everyone. 6) Remember that your emotional state is very fragile. You will be having a good moment and then one little thing will remind you of what you have lost and you once again plummet to the depths of despair. Let those low moments pass. You will find that with time the good moments begin to take up more of your time than the bad ones and when the bad moments arrive you don’t fall as far and for as long as before. 7) lastly, repeat a million times in your head that it does get easier and is just a matter of time.
As for me, I did everything to ensure I came out of this breakup on top. I am excited to see what each new day brings. I lost a lot in the process- failed out of medical school, lost some mutual friends, lost my first love, lost my direction in life. But I gained so much more- new friends, a new appreciation for myself and my abilities, new hobbies, new job/career opportunities, and much more. I still have the blues every once and a while and I am still trying to understand why I can’t let my hate for my ex go. I know that hate and resentment will only hurt me in the end. I can’t say I am over my first love until I figure out how to forgive and/or forget him completely. I will let you know how it goes in my next update.
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