rozcarmen

well, what can i say.. at fifteen years old, i’ve prolly experienced stuff older teens experience.

1. i already fell in love. and hell, i STILL love him!! no, this is not puppy love. no, this is not a friggin’ overrated infatuation. this is real man. and it’s so effin’ hard for me. ugh.

2. i feel… as if… i dunno… as if my whole world, beliefs, priorities, and principles were shaken. as in: seismic scale intensity #12. i dunno what i believe now. i feel as if i lost track of what’s right and what’s wrong.

3. my heart and my mind constantly battle over certain decisions i have to make. whill i hold on to him? or will i let him go? it friggin’ gives me migraine!! argh.

4. i don’t feel like myself. i mean, i act like, this bubbly, cheerful, easy-going, free-spirited girl.. but deep inside, i feel all sullen & melancholic. the smiles i make doesn’t reach my eyes. my laughter sounds very weird to me. as if my laugh is coming out of another person’s mouth. ‘coz i don’t feel like it. my smiles, my laughter, my easy banters doesn’t mean i’m okay.

5. i lost the first guy i truly loved[and still love.] and one of my closest friends. simply because the guy i love seems to like my friend. and my friend on the other hand, well… i don’t get her!! she sends mixed signals. she’s all giggly and flirty around the guy[and vice-versa]. they only stop when they see me or sense my presence. i don’t know what to feel. i don’t know how to act around them. i mean, i couldn’t just be all friendly with them, pretending i’m not hurt. i can’t do that. coz i know it’s all BULL. what, i’ll smile and tell them “oh, you make such a great couple!! i suggest you go elope and marry right away! we’re currently not on speaking terms. i don’t speak to him & to her, and vice-versa.

6. my grades are getting affected by my depression. i can’t study well because a thousand and one thoughts are always swirling inside my head. i always worry about things, think about things, remember good and bad memories.. and they’re all connected to this “love-thingy problem” i have just explained.

2006. [for me]it has this unusual ring to it.
i only hope that the new year would mean a new start for me. a new love. a clean new page in my book of life. or a whole new book of life altogether. coz goodness knows how much i want to burn this old one.

shitloads.