ruru

I actually put my resume into a company on Friday. I did not hear anything back by Wednesday, so this morning (Thursday) I sent them an e-mail expressing my interest in the company. I was contacted by e-mail to submit my resume again and did so. Guess I’ll just wait and see what happens next. Hoping for the best.

Why is it that we need validation from others to feel complete? Why do I feel empty? Why can’t I be happy with who I am? I feel like some kind of emotional cripple. Unable to function as a complete person without some kind of companionship.

I know that I am an interesting, funny, kind person. I also am sarcastic, standoffish, and emotionally distant. But I feel that my good traits outweigh my failings. Yet I still feel the need for someone to validate me. Someone being that special someone, maybe not a soul mate, I don’t think everyone can find that. But it is possible. Why does my happiness teater on the brink between dark depression and extreme elation? In just a matter of hours sometimes I can experience both of those feelings.

We all have had different experiences that shape who we have become. Some of us have had harsher experiences than others, but that doesn’t discount any of our experiences. Some of you may know some of my dark secrets, but most of you don’t. I have become who I am because of, and despite of, those experiences.

No one knows everything there is to know about me. I don’t share who I am very often. I feel it allows people to see deeper into me than I want anyone to see. But I want that one person that isn’t afraid to delve in and pierce the darkness of my inner being and tell me it’s not all that bad.

I know I should just get over myself. Just understand me for who I have become and accept that person as myself.

Yet I still want that validation. I scream silently for it. Can you hear it? I guess you can now.

I escape life through vises: eating, smoking, drinking, etc. Depressed, eat a half gallon of ice cream, you’ll feel better. Stressed have a smoke, it will help. Just want to forget, drink away your troubles, you’ll kill enough brain cells to not care.

The strangest thing about all of this, is tomorrow, I’ll feel better. Like nothing really ever happened. Then I’ll be embarrassed that I even wrote and shared my thoughts. Like I’ve allowed too much light into my being, and people might have seen things that they didn’t see before. Will that effect my interactions with anybody? Will there be some awkward silence next time?

Will I just pretend this never happened. Or wish it never happened.

Why is it that things that are so simple (it seems) for others so difficult for some of us? What is it that is simple for me, that others find so difficult?

This is just my mind wandering. Some kind of public exorcism of my inner being. Here’s the light, now go back down, and stop bothering me.

Not long after putting in my first entry on this “thing” I started writing in my MySpace blog. It can be cathartic to share your feelings on a public forum. Not many people may read them, but I konw a few of my friends do and that has created deeper bonds between us.

I feel more comfortable writing about my feeling than I do talking about them verbally.

Of course I can’t put this one down as “I’ve done this” becuase I still have some feelings that I am not ready to share. But at least I have started to make an attempt.