It’s been weighing on my mind for the past two days. This is going to be our wall for a while.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a dive into an ocean…
Wish it didn’t come down to this, but this whole thing is moving way too fast for me. It’s too much.
Briefly…
My dad and the family do not understand why I won’t move back. He wants me there now. Drop everything and move. Those people are foreign to you.
Yesterday was better (for me, since we didn’t talk), but for two days prior to that I’ve hit a wall. An emotional wall. I’ve reached my point and beyond.
Let’s see if I can summarize what I’m looking at…
He’s grieving 30 years that he didn’t have. He feels extremely guilty and not planning on forgiving himself “ever.” He’s beating himself up over and over and over again…I can’t watch that anymore. It’s too painful for me. He’s desperately trying to make up for those 30 years. By that, I mean he wants me there…drop everything, leave everybody, leave education…etc., etc., etc. No, Dad, I’m not going to. Why not? Because…blah, blah, blah. He’s not listening to anything I’m saying. Everything I say is taken as a rejection. He constantly says, can you come over in summer time? No, Dad, I’m doing thesis all summer long. But repeat that 20 more times and see what happens. You just did. But one week won’t be enough! Dad, I’m doing all I can. I’m giving you the time that I have. Not enough. Ok. Repeat that 30 more times…
I can’t go through this anymore. It’s too much, too fast. I crashed before yesterday. Right after we were done Skyping, I went to bed. I was mentally exhausted. I couldn’t even think anymore. I thought, I can’t do this. I can’t go on like this.
So…I’m going to pull back. Yesterday, I had a chance to get away and think through. I got together with my girls for lunch. They both agreed with my thought process.
We were supposed to be Skyping today. Not going to happen. I sent an email saying that I’ll be extremely busy. I will be. I need to focus on my teaching and getting ready for thesis even more, since the semester is almost here. I’m also not going to talk to him over this weekend. I need space and time. I feel suffocated. I wish it didn’t come down to this. I’ve offered my heart with no strings attached, but that’s too easy for my dad. He’s all or nothing kind of guy. He’s also the type of guy who will take the harder way no matter what. He’s made this whole thing 100 times harder than it could have been. Don’t focus on the past, Dad. Let’s move on. Look at what you have!!!! No. He’s bringing back the past, and that is beginning to trigger me. I won’t go there. I won’t talk about it. It won’t make things better!! I won’t tell you. I’ve moved on.
I see everything he’s going through. I know this is going to get worse for him before it gets better. But I can’t be any part of that. It’s too painful and exhausting for me. He’ll have to work through all that on his own. He has plenty of support. He’ll have to learn to accept things for what they are, NOT for what he wants them to be. Or for what they should be. The more he pushes me, the less he’ll get.
I’m going to send him an email in a few days and express my boundaries. I’m going to make it clear what would happened if certain things will be mentioned. I can’t continue going through this emotional roller coaster. I’m not going to throw away something I have worked so hard for. I’m not going to walk away from my family and friends, who are like my family.
I don’t think anyone has ever stood up to him. I don’t mean this in a negative way. He’s just used to getting things his way. Not this time. This time, you’ve met your match, Dad.
No, this is not what is usually expected, but thought I’d be honest.
Right now, I’m enraged. Why? Shouldn’t I be happy? This is the happiest moment of my life!
Not right now…
I thought I’ve worked through this before. I thought I was okay with what happened, how it was done, etc. I’m not. The more I get to know my family…the kind of people that they are…the fact that they have been looking for me, waiting, hoping, wishing…loving me all of these years, unconditionally. I realize what was taken away from me exactly. And I’m enraged.
I’ve accepted many things and worked through most in order to move on, but this…? Who does this? Who rips someone else’s soul and throws it away? Who? How? Why?
This storm has been brewing in me all day. At first, I got angry at myself for being angry. I thought, well shit, what in the hell is wrong with you?? Then, I traced the anger. Then I thought, how can this be? I was okay. I mean, okay as far as accepting things that I cannot change…and letting go. Is this the same path? No. Then, which path is it? My family. This family. That is what is different this time.
I think this is going to brew for a while…
He did most of the talking. I asked him to keep talking. I just sat there…listening, watching him, taking it all in…
He’s a very sweet man. He’s honest, genuine, and persistent as hell (!). He has a very honest face. Very expressive eyes with a twinkle when he smiles. He has blue eyes and dimples! God, when he smiled, and I saw those dimples, I became queso. I was gone.
He also gets the same shitty grin like someone I know. He fidgets, can’t sit still, and is very energetic. He gets his point across and doesn’t hold anything back, unless…but it’s still written on his face. You can also see it in his eyes. He’s very emotional. He says he “feels things.” I’ve never heard anyone say that. Not in that choice of words. When he answers he looks up. You can see he doesn’t just simply look for an answer. There are files and files of memories, emotions, etc. in his head. I know someone like that. He’s also bashful! A tough cookie with a bashful streak. He gets easily embarrassed, especially if it relates to some compliment. Have I mentioned persistent?? God, that man is persistent. But he does it in the nicest way. ::smirk::
I just sat there for however long, listened,...observed, took it all in…
Funny. He said he will put up with certain shit and drama, BUT…if you cross the line with him…if you piss him off…he’s done. And by done, I mean done.
is September the 10th. His phone number has his birthday…910…my birthday, twice…89…and my old street number back home…49.
Thank you all for all of your comments, tears, and hugs. I really, really and truly appreciate them all.
Love,
Artie
The “other” girl is his wife. She sent me an email this morning with a picture attached. In that picture there is my mom, my dad, and I, when I was a baby. I have the second set of those pictures; however, the only person who is missing is him. I have some of me and some of my mom with me. They were all taken the same day.
I’ve been talking to his wife back on forth via the classmates website. He doesn’t know how to use the internet or anything of that sort, so she’s been the communicator. She said that he often talked about me. She also said that he said that he thought that I didn’t want him. He left his contact information with my mother. I said, I thought he didn’t want me. He’s kept all of the pictures and my birth certificate for all of these years. Which is a great relief. Which means that he thought about me, and I meant something to him. That was one of the biggest worries I had. What if…he doesn’t want me. Apparently, that was his biggest worry too. What if I didn’t want him.
I told her that I wanted him to know that I haven’t stopped thinking about him, even for a day. I sent the other set of pictures from that day. Sent the picture of the doll, but he didn’t remember much about it.
The wife asked me when I was going to visit, and if we could communicate via skype. They have a nine-month-old baby, Peter, who is my brother. I don’t like the whole idea of “half” brothers and sisters. I don’t look at people as “halves.” So, yeah…
I think I must have been wrong about having two brothers. Or maybe whoever told me didn’t know what they were talking about…In any case! I have a sister (22), a brother (27), and another brother (9 months).
Something rather bizarre happened yesterday. But first, let me go back a little.
Parents divorced when I was 7 months old. Have never seen or met the guy, other than in pictures. Always wanted to. I tried to find him several years ago with no luck.
Ok. I use a Russian version of classmates.com to communicate with some of my old classmates. So, for the past few days I’ve noticed a girl visiting my page. Her last name was the same as what mine used to be (it was changed when I was around seven or eight). I had a fleeting thought, but my mind said, nah, just a coincidence. So I let it go.
Yesterday, I see in my mailbox that I have a message from her. Thinking she just wants to be friends just like any other person or spammer on there, I click. “Hey. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. So glad!!!!! If you don’t mind staying in touch with your sister, write me.”
Thinking…okay…I answer, “Sister?”
“Yeah, don’t you know you have one?”
No.
“I have your birth certificate right here by me. We have the same father.”
I said, “Where was I born?”
She named the city. Correct.
I said, “What’s my father’s name?”
She named him. Correct.
I’m thinking, okay! Freaky! She just probably found that information on one of the forums. I left some contact information, etc. when I was looking for him a few years ago.
So I started asking questions. “Does he have other children?” Yes, two boys. Correct. “Does he have brothers and sisters?” Yes, two sisters and a brother. I knew about the brother and the sister. Of course I’m going by what I remember. “How old are the brothers?” The oldest one is 27. About right. “How old is my father?” 53. About right.
Anyway, this went on for a little while. I did say, I hope this is not a joke. She said it wasn’t, and that she had some pictures. She was going to scan them and send them to me. She also said she was going to talk to her/our dad and see what he can tell her.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I tossed and turned. Talked to my best friend last night about it. She said, well, what does your gut tell you? I said, I don’t know. Right now my gut is saying one thing, and my mind says the complete opposite. I mean, 30 years is a long time. It is also hard to separate wishful thinking from the truth. She had his picture posted on her page. I told her that I probably wouldn’t be able to recognize him, since I only remember him when he was younger. I looked at the picture though. I don’t know. He had very expressive eyes. This guy did too.
She’s supposed to get in touch with me when she gets some pictures together and talks to him…
Not sure how to begin this entry…but here it goes.
I had one of those moments yesterday when things became so clear, I couldn’t see straight, if that makes any sense. All of a sudden everything just fell into its own place. I guess I should have started this entry with a “thank you.” So, why not do it now…
Thank you for everything that you have done to me. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. As cheesy as this may sound to some, nevertheless it’s true for me. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have such a clear understanding of what is possible. I wouldn’t see as clear who I want and don’t want to be. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t understand what hate really feels like, and what it can do to a person. Did you know that it kills? What a miserable way to live your life.
I’m not forgetting what happened. I’m not excusing your actions. That is not up to me. But I let go of your burden, your misery, and your death, which will catch up with your body. I guess you don’t even realize how long ago it caught up with your soul. I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life. I forgive not what you did, but the dead and soulless you. In forgiving, I let go. The connection between you and I is no longer there. I am free. So, thanks again. I’ve let go of the chains, and now it’s time to move on. :)
No, I haven’t been absent due to the fact that I don’t want to spend time with my 43 friends. With teaching in spring and a thesis, I’m over my ears with writing the lecture notes, doing research, reading on different topics, etc., etc., etc.
Making a long story short, I don’t really have a break. This is the time to get ready, not to sit on my ass.
Anyway, thought I’d let you guys know. :)
What stopped me from posting this goal is the same fear that almost kept me from going to grad school in the first place. Before I even started, I was absolutely petrified. Petrified. What if this… and what if that… Then I started. I thought I would never be able to teach because I’m not good enough. That first semester I was just trying to survive. Then, the opportunity came by, and I thought why the hell not? I’ll throw my name out there and see what happens. I’m teaching in spring. I also thought that I would never do a thesis because I’m not good enough, and I’m not planning on getting my PhD. Why? Same reason. Not good enough. Now, I’m starting my thesis in spring.
So why the hell not?
What do I have to lose?
I don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to look back and question and regret… I’d rather try and fail than not to try at all.
Plus, I know I won’t fail.
