Ashley

The best advice I’ve ever been given with regards to marriage is that you shouldn’t look for the perfect man but the perfect relationship. The perfect man has central qualities that almost any woman would look for: smart, funny, good looking, hard working, sweet, romantic, ect. No woman is going to say she wants a fat, ugly retard for a husband. On the other hand, the perfect relationship is different for everyone. Some people want a family, some people want a career, some people want to travel. Certain women want to work, others want to stay home. Some want to be submissive, others dominant, others, still, seek equality. The level of independence, activity, etc all has to do with the relationship rather than personal characteristics. This is where my worries begin.

For all intents and purposes, I have found the perfect man. He is smart, funny, genuine, driven, determined, good looking, thoughtful, insightful, dedicated, loyal, forgiven, Godly, healthy and a whole slew of other things that make any man desirable on so many levels. For the time being we have a wonderful relationship full of fun and interesting endeavors, honest conversations and growth. Unfortunately I think that we want very different things for our lives, so much so that they seem contradictory to where the other is headed and might perhaps limit the others happiness in the grand scheme of life. Needless to say, I’m quite upset about the whole thing.

You see, I am not exactly the most maternal person to have existed on God’s green planet, I am not positive that it is my lot in life to be a mother, and what’s more is that I am okay with that. He, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to be a father, and he’d make a wonderful one at that. I, being the selfish person that I am, am much more interested in traveling, seeing the world and doing what I can to make the world a better place without being tied down to my own obligations. Don’t get me wrong, one of my greatest desires is to have a husband to share it all with: traveling, volunteering, etc. But I feel, more and more so, that there is so much that humanity already requires and thus it might not be me that is supposed to bring more beings into the world that require my attention. Perhaps I am supposed to attend to the needs of those who already exist. I’m not sure that I should bring all of this up to him until after I get a taste of London. After all, I may realize that I am terribly mistaken after living in another country and seeing how well I handle it. I do have a feeling that, because of my independence, I will be more than capable of coping.

Perhaps this is dilemma where the cynic in my takes over, but to me this whole dilemma really proves that sometimes love is not enough. This situation is, by no means, a result of my lack of love for him. On the contrary, I do not think that I have ever been in such a wonderfully loving relationship. If I was not one to look ahead so frequently, there would be no problem. But because I am that girl who dates for marriage, this is an issue that I cannot ignore. I refuse to put my own purpose in life aside for another, likewise I could never justify hindering another from doing that which brings them the most joy. I am afraid that if our relationship is consummated, that one of us will have no choice but to sacrifice ourself for the other’s dreams, and that scares the shit out of me.

I value the art of keeping promises, I do my best to have enough integrity and self control to keep mine. I’ve made a promise to myself and, more importantly, to God that I will take the time between now and moving back from London (leaving in Jan. back in May) to focus on Him. Growing independent of others outside of him and learning to rely on no one but Him and myself.

Up until recently I had no doubt in my mind that this was not just my plan for myself, but His plan for me. Since Sunday night things have been muddied. I met Sean back in April and have known from the beginning that, had the timing been better, he’d be great for me. My opinion has only grown stronger in the affirmative. A lot happened between then and now that probably shouldn’t have, but has brought me to this point, so for that I’m thankful. However, on Sunday night, when we were sitting on a bench beside an old chapel doing our study of the apostle Paul, he kissed me. It was wonderful and exactly what I wanted at that moment. Now I’m afraid I’ve crossed into a territory I can’t come back from. Is it fair to tell him that, yes, that happened, but we have to go back to waiting until I come home for us to be together?

My promise is, of course, for God, but I didn’t make it against my will, I think it’s the best thing for me, I WANT to wait, but I also don’t want to lose Sean. But when I’m gone, I don’t want to feel that obligation to call every night, communicate as often as possible, cater to any loneliness and separation anxiety that he may feel. I want to go and be free, enjoy four months of studies and travels and adventures without feeling guilty for my absence. I want to grow up and say that I was able to do it on my own. In the past I’ve leaned so much on others to stay comfortable, I don’t want that anymore. I’ve grown so much in the last eight months and I know I’m not done. I don’t want to stunt that.

But then… could I do all of those things and still be with him, could he be that understanding? One road (romantic separation) teaches patience, perseverence and independence, the other teaches trust, understanding and, well, could it teach independence as well? I feel like if it’s meant to be, either road will lead to the same end, either we’ll be together or we won’t no matter when we begin our journey, but one has got to be better than the other. One has got to be the road that God says will have the most benefit and the other not so much. God will make either situation work into his plan, but which way does he actually want me to pick?

I am currently torn between reading that which will connect me to the past and that which will connect me to the present.