Sammy

I live in a home of a completely religious and ignorant dad when it comes to homosexuality, my mom is superficial when it comes to judgements and cares way to much about what people think and has a ver “high status” but are conservative republican, my sister is just like my mom, my brother would accept me as easy as he could snap his fingers. My school is full of rich kids with no diversity and all children of conservative parents, this year was the first year the administration even let the school have not a LGBT club (no one would join cus only 1 person in our school has come out) but a GSA (gay straight alliance) and they still wont announce their meeting or posters at the school only stickers that they hand out to teachers. I’ve known I was gay (or was thinking i was) since 5th grade and it hasnt changed for 6 years. I was sort of forced to come out to my mom but I quickly convinced her by the next year that it was a phase because it caused so many more problems than solved, shes still supsicious but doesnt know exactly. I’m so scared to come out because I dont want anything to change, my friends future, relationship with my parents, and simple things like will i be accepted into a sorority I want when I go to college or will being gay effect that? my school is small and i hate ddrama and people will talk, I know i shouldnt care what people say but i have 120 kids in my grade my friend options are limited and im popular (not in a mean way i promise, people like me and i dont give ppl reasons to dislike me) everyone is nice to me and im nice back and i dont like being jugded or talked about or rejected and i know that will happen, I know if my friends dont accept me then they arent real friends but these are kids ive known since 3rd grade and up, Ive told a couple people my closest most trusting friends (7 people). i havent told anyonein over a year because i feel like i cant trust anyone else to fully accept me and nothing change, im scared i just wanna fit in i dont want any awkward tension or changes in friendship i honestly wish i could keep it a secret forever but i know thats not possible. HELP PLEASE
ps: sorry i havent talkedto anyone about this in 4 years so i held alot in. anyone who can help or just talk me through this im so lost ive gone into depression in part of this and self harm(im not cutting anymore) and i still am tempted. I have no one. any advice would help.

its been 3 months and i havent done it agian im strong enuff but uk sometimes i still get that urge but i think thats always gonna be there for right now ive won my battle :)

i almost got caught 3 days ago by my parents i convinced them i wasnt but it made me realize how much it would hurt them and how much its hurting other and myself. so im stopping before its too late and its imposssible to stop