Sarah

so there’s this boy.
I like him
and
he likes me.
so we make out occasionally.
and more importantly…
we cuddle occasionally.

:)

well it only took me until age 18!
what can I say?
it was wet.
but cute.
and it was followed by two hours of making out. hot damn.
including, but not limited to: over clothing fondling, under clothing fondling, and heavy breathing.

I’m not sure whether or not I still want to do this.

It’s always intrigued me, but just recently I’ve fallen in love with a boy. And this boy tells me that his trip on shrooms was horrible. Maybe it was because he told me how scared he was on shrooms and I don’t want him to ever feel that way, but then again, he wouldn’t be the one trying the shrooms- I would be.

So I’m not sure

I’m really happy I got to go to semi with doug. He’s such a cute boy and really nice and sweet and awwww, I just had such a nice time! Dinner wasn’t really awkward, though it was just he and I who went out. We chatted a lot and he told me a really abridged version of his life. Like that he mom died when he was really young and that he’s bipolar and that his family moved to lewiston because he was getting beat up at Bonny Eagle. I just wanted to hug him when I heard this! But I really don’t think he likes touch or physical contact at all. He was really uncomfortable at the dance, especially with the expectation that he was supposed to grind with me. He started having a bit of a panic attack too. I just want to be friends with him. like, real friends where he can tell me when he’s having a “bad” day and we can really rely on each other and open up. at least by the end of the dance, he was feeling a lot more comfortable. Near the end of the dance, Megan had grabbed him to make him dance with her. aka grind. and I don’t think he was too pleased. He mentioned at the end of the night that he just wanted her to get off of him. And so I was just sitting at a table chilling, not minding since I liked just watching everyone dance and see the crowd move live one big mass. But then doug came over and took my hand and led me back. I dont know why, but that moment just made me oh so happy.
But the end of the night seemed weird since we didn’t say too much as I drove him home. And at dinner, he wouldn’t even take a sip of my drink, as he “had a cold sore”. and so he sort of bolted from the car when I dropped him off. as he left, I managed to tell him that I thought we should hang out more in the future. I think he said at least something in agreement. But I don’t know…
and he didn’t reply to the text I sent him yesterday.
I hope I get to talk to him in school tomorrow.

Most of the guests arrived really late, but the lasagna was still warm. I suppose all in all, it was nice. But not as perfect as I hoped it would be. My non alcoholic drinks were pretty popular though!

how does one get to be 18 years old but still never have been kissed?
I’m not sure.
but yet I’m living through it, aren’t I?

screw this.
fuck love and kisses.

I turned 18 on friday so I went out and got my nose pierced! hooray! It really wasn’t that painful at all.
But the guy who pierced me put in a straight nose stud, so it was always about to fall out. and then yesterday I went snowboarding and lost it. So I put a different one in that I had purchased, but I think it’s horrible quality metal. and its a lot thinner than the other one, so thats probably not a good thing!

so I’ll be 18 in only ten more days!
this means I’m going to get my nose pierced!

my mom’s alright with it since I’ll be 18 anyway. I’m pretty nervous about this since I’m a bit afraid of needles. haha yes the diabetic is afraid of needles. and I watched a video on youtube of someone getting her nose pierced and it just made me really nauseous.

hope I can go through with it!

sooo I got drunk! it was really fun! So first of all when we got to the home of the 22 year old, I was really sketched out because the guy was playing gross, hardcore metal and the house seemed kind of sketchy too. then I took a shot of malibu, one of hypnotic, and one of blavod. After that, things started to spin a little bit. I took a shot and a half of delicious cabano boy coconut rum! Then we went and watched Jackass 2 for a little while when I started to feel a little bit happy, haha. Then I decided I needed more to drink, so I wnt back into the kitchen with Kerrie and had a shot and a half of malibu. After that, the night went really quickly and I was just really happy and dizzy and not walking well. I also seemed to say anything that came into my head. It was sort of crazy! haha I called basically everyone in my cell phone, even a few people that I shouldn’t have called! the night really was a lot more fun with the drinking because I didn’t feel sketched out anymore, once I was drunk! I also had a delicious Smirnoff twisted berry! It was just like soda! So anyhow, I guess theres not even that much to say except that I was running my mouth way too much! and that I was happy and numb. Then I stayed up with my friend until like 3am just chatting and trying to be quiet. And oh my gosh, I don’t think I’ve peed so much in my entire life.

sooo tonight’s new years eve! and do you know what this means? I think this means I’m getting drunk. I plan on going over to a friends house where we will then go to some sketchy location and drink. I guess the people know that I’ve never gotten drunk before and there will be a designated driver. I’m pretty excited, but I need to remind myself to keep checking my blood sugar. oh diabetes, you’re so troublesome. hopefully I’ll be able to give a good report on drunkenness tomorrow. if I remember anything!

oh like last night when I though I was involved in a beautiful, powerful love fest but I’m was really only the third wheel.
“lets reverse the spoons” apparently actually means: Sarah turn around so you don’t have to watch Lauren and Deane make out.

I just feel like such a fucking fool.
so fucking ignorant. thinking that I was having the best evening ever.
thinking that my best friend enjoyed cuddling with me like that.
thinking that love is love.
thinking that I can open my heart up to fucking everyone and think that something good will come of it.
thinking that eskomo kisses mean something.
thinking that best friend means something.

I was stunned to find I could still speak.
in that hazy, dim room
filled with billows of smoke and billowing tapestries.

stare down that arrogant tv
it’s loud offensive voices offending the preparative, placid, peaceful place of min(e)d.
while overlooking this infringement, concentrate one final time for the night:
attempting to memorize every shadowed corner, every shade of meaning in this shady activity.

wanting to reach this mile- stoned.

Tonight I was out with the gals and Jon. Then suddenly we were out on this lake, in his boat, and I was trying to smoke a blunt with him. But obviously I have no idea how to inhale. I think I only started to understand how to once we had nearly finished it. Hopefully I have a chance to try again soon.

I finally ordered one! I finally decided to screw saving for college or the trip to Mississippi.
I looked around and found that the Pentax *ist DL was the cheapest around AND it goes up to ISO 3200. Which I love since I’m all about available light and shooting at local concerts. The Digital Rebels don’t even go up to 3200!

I can’t wait until it comes in the mail!

Oh how I love my ipod.
I got it after Christmas with the help of money from returned gifts, haha. I simply walked into RadioShack and asked for an ipod and boom- it was done! It’s crazy I paid that much money in cash for a little thing that fits in my palm.
Its already all scratched up and it’s not even a cool nano one, but I love it because I bought it for convenience not for popularity.
Now I can bring all my music everywhere!!

I’ve given up any kind of cow meat: steak, hamburgers, etc and now I’m giving up pig products as well. This is the tougher part since my grandparents try to show me their love by feeding me ham. and lots of it.

I loved drama club freshman year of high school. I had some great times with a bunch of people. My friend Sara was in it too, so that was nice. and Lauren even worked back stage! But then sophmore years spring production wasn’t really that great. And then this year, I had to play tennis for a sports credit. But I guess it was worth it because when I was little I wanted to be an actress. haha, I thought I was the best actress in the world!

(one of) my best friend(s) told me today about how she fell asleep with a boy the other day in his bed as they were softly mumbling a nice conversation. she’s done this before with other boys and honestly? it makes me so very envious and sad, probably because I want to be that person sleeping next to her.

I’m so glad that though I’m only a teenager, I have a pretty cool job. I get lots of free water. And the schedual is really flexible because work is pretty laid back. We hardly ever get customers in the winter, so I just sit around, drink coffee, and do my homework. I get paid more than minimum wage, so thats nice. Oh and I get to work with the coolest girl ever. We also make the best raspberry puffs on the face of the earth!

I was surprised that I wasn’t nervous for my road test.
The lady who tested me was absurd. She told me random things about her life and asked about mine. She ignored the fact that I did not back up straight, but instead ended up in the road. She ignored the fact that I went over the speed limit in a school zone. She also ignored the fact that I was much too hesitant in taking left turns.

But I did incredible with the parallel parking!!