sculley

I don’t feel like there’s anything left here for us in Toronto. I don’t mind visiting the city, but I don’t want to live in it. People are stuck up and narrow-minded (although I acknowledge there are idiots everywhere). It’s too loud, dirty, heartless.

I am a rural person. I like the country. I want to raise my daughter somewhere with fresh air, and less of the pretentiousness and lazy convenience of the city. I want nature every day, to go for more walks, to have beautiful things to paint. Really, I hate the city. I would like to take her up north or to another country altogether. Things just don’t feel right here.

90% of the world has it way, way worse than me, and I remind myself of this several times a day. But I’m bitter. I’m bitter that we don’t get child support, that my daughter’s father is a disgusting and cruel person, that I’m poor, that I have to rely on my parents for handouts, that I have no freedom, that the other people in my life can come and go as they please and don’t appreciate it, and so on.

I try not to be bitter, but I’m angry at the lack of control I have over these things. Sometimes I get in a slump, nothing seems positive and I want everyone to leave me the hell alone. I muster up all the good feelings I have for my daughter, and then I’m so exhausted from forcing a good mood that I have to go to bed. It’s not like I want pity or even sympathy, but I do feel sorry for myself, which in turn makes me feel pathetic.

I want to stop feeling bitter, ignore the stupid people who are not emotionally supportive and just get on with it. I want to suck it up and let things roll of my back.

Well, what I mean is, I try to make all of the right decisions, but ‘right’ is different in everyone’s eyes, and none of those people are in my shoes! Yes, I married the wrong guy, and he adds a Jerry Springer quality of living to me and my parent’s lives. But I can’t oust him completely, as much as I’d like to. As long as he wants to be involved in my daughter’s life and he pays some level of support, we can’t keep the doors barred and locked. Everyone says “this guy is insane, cut him out, forget about the money, quit college, work full-time, cut him out”. It’s annoying. If people had all the perfect answers, then they are more than welcome to take over my life…since I can’t say it’s much of a picnic these days.

I can’t allow their know-it-all attitudes to discourage me. I HAVE to finish school, I started it and I must finish what I started. I don’t want to listen to the negativity anymore.