seven_swans

so i went for a drink with these people i met at church, and it was really nice! very chilled out, lots of talking and joking and banter. nice. i think i’m on the way to actually making a couple of new friends, which will be rad. :)

i removed “eat healthily” from my list, but i left on “lose weight”...not because i’m planning to crash-diet or drop half my body weight in a week (ha, like it were possible)

fact is, i don’t even know what “healthy” is any more. so i’m going to try and chill out. not diet, not not-diet. i am so f’ing fed up of eating junk food by the truckload, cramming it in before i start my next diet, and then swinging too far in the opposite direction, cutting it out altogether, and then giving into cravings and taking that too far…eh, it’s nothing new i suppose.

but i’m tired of it. so i quit. i give up. i’m going to eat what i want, when i want. i’m going to stop depriving myself or not depriving myself or whatever. and if i want to eat peanut butter and jam on toast for every meal for a couple of days until i get it out of my system then i’m damn well going to.

for now at least. i’m going to give myself some breathing space, but myself a little slack, and be gentle. just for a little while. it’s only food, for crying out loud. i need to remember that.

and the crazy thing is, when i do actually manage to let go, to just chill out and eat what i want when i want – when i’m hungry, that is, rather than cramming in more than i can comfortably eat because i know i’m going to be giving up all this stuff tomorrow – when i just say to hell with it and eat, i lose weight. like margaret cho said, and she said it better than i can hope to. “fuck it!”

hmm…

i’ve been thinking about this a lot today. c’mon, cupid. throw a girl a rope!