Yesterday I did a pretty good job of putting myself first. I demanded that I get time to go to the gym. I guess it says something that in order to feel like I could take time away from my child, I had to demand equal time from my mate. But I did it. And I even took time to shower afterwards.
I hadn’t worked in four years until November 1, 2009. I was a project manager and my job was intense. I was doing projects with Japan, Europe and the U.S. which meant meetings with the UK in the early am, US all day and then Japan starting at 4:30pm until who knows when. All of this and also taking care of a dad with cancer and a mom with Alzheimer’s – 3000 miles away with no other family.
After my dad died in 2004, I continued working – same stress but now with grief and a VERY bad boyfriend added. After a year I quit because I inherited some money and I could finally do it.
I was liberated! I can’t describe how free I felt! I had let myself get so rundown, so stressed. It was time to take care of me. I traveled to all of the places I’d always wanted to go. I cleaned up my diet, lost weight, exercised…wrote blogs, took photos, dreamt of being a photo/journalist or something other than a project manager. Two years of that and my mom died. And I was alone. An orphan. Suddenly things changed but I didn’t really even know it myself.
I turned 40. Four months later I met someone and fell in love. And two months later I was pregnant for the first time in my life. Everything seemed so magical! We decided to have the baby. I had done everything else and I wanted a family. But we were both unemployed and didn’t know each other well. More stress.
Now, my son turns two in a month. He is beautiful and I love him. I felt fortunate to spend almost two years with him, not having to send him to daycare. But finances have been stressful because the recession hit.
So, a friend called in October asking if I wanted to take over his contract job: low stress, good pay, working for an old colleague. I jumped at the chance.
And now here I am two months later just as stressed as I was when I quit my last job. If you can believe it, it’s worse. I feel like I spent all of this time pumping myself up, healing my tortured soul and then I became a mom and started working. Now I am resentful. I have let myself go. I feel like a victim. Like I have allowed myself to become I person I no longer like. Sleep deprived, barely ever do what I want, only eat what my partner prepares and now have high glucose and high cholesterol and I am working for people who are so damn political and abusive – well – okay. I feel incompetent every day. I feel like I was supposed to know everything even though I came into the project in the middle.
What a long story just to get to the same place I started or worse. I can’t go on this way. I can’t continue working at a job that shoots me down every day. I feel as though I am dying.
I need to find a way to make money doing something else. Something with less politics. Or maybe I need to start building myself up again. Having a kid with out the foundation of marriage/family is hard.
But the job. I am grateful for the money, for the opportunity after not working for four years – believe me – I am grateful. But I am constantly asking myself what is the meaning? Did this come to alleviate some of the financial stress and also to show me that I need to so something different? A wake up call of sorts? I give kudos to everyone who spends their day at a job they despise and urge them on to something better. There has to be more to life than this for Christsakes!
We spend 10 hours a day at work. There has to be something better than this.
I am currently in my 12th week of pregnancy – almost to the second trimester. My first trimester has been relatively easy and I haven’t gained much weight. Just this week I started to notice my clothes getting tighter and my waist getting thicker. My breasts hurt and I’m tired a lot but now I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep for two nights in a row and that has been great.
I want to enjoy this time as much as possible. I can sometimes feel the baby, or the muscles stretching. I know she is moving around in there. I can’t wait to see what she looks like! I want to meditate and bask in this pregnant energy.
I am so used to being alone – it is difficult to remember that being in a relationship means being on a team. Us against the world. We are for each other. I am used to making all of my decisions myself. Now that I have a partner, it is difficult navigating and differentiating our needs and balancing the individual needs with the “we”. I want to learn how to do this better.
I feel as though I am protecting my needs because at times they are so different from my partners. This is creating a barrier between us and I don’t want to do this. I want to learn how to merge and to be separate at the same time. I want to keep myself and create a beautiful life with my lover, that will allow both of us space to grow and become whatever we desire. I am learning how to do this.
sort of…put a post on Craig’s List when I was depressed one day and found the needle in the haystack. It’s crazy how much we love each other and how quickly things are moving.
Welp, I’ve learned how to meditate and now the key is doing it every day. Still working on this goal but it seems less important now that other things are happening.
my writing teacher is acting weird. I told her I wanted to get published and she acted like it wasn’t a good thing to do. she said “It’s really not that big of a deal. I mean, your life doesn’t change or anything”...and then she’s fortgotten to put my writing in the weekly compilations for our class. It feels weird like one of those things that’s not a big deal but there is definitely some energy there.
I’m not sure how to judge how this goal will be achieved. It’s a process, accepting and revealing myself to others. I think I am making great strides and feel happier than I ever have. I’m having more fun than I ever have; like, daily fun. Does that mean I’m revealing myself without fear? Kind of. I am not experiencing any fear around it anymore – I have been practicing and am at a point where I just do whatever the hell I want and if people don’t like it…you know the rest.
I’ve made at least four new friends over the past few months. It’s very cool! Excited to meet more!
I am now 40 and although I haven’t reached my ultimate goal, my stomach is actually getting less flabby and I am seeing results. I feel healthier and am stronger. I am getting there!
I had the chance to stand up for myself yesterday when a friend kept telling me that I am depressed. But I know deep within my core that I am not depressed. She is. I told her she was projecting. She ignored me. I wrote an entry about it on my blog. But it’s not enough. I need to tell her that her perception of me is wrong. I should have walked out when I realized she wasn’t listening, but I stayed and defended myself. This did not feel empowered to me. I am still learning how to reveal my true self without fear.
Okay! I’m getting consistent. I’m loosing inches! But not loosing weight – it’s strange. And although I am getting smaller now other things are starting to happen, like my boobs are getting droopier and that is not good. I will continue on my quest towards buffdom – only 10 days until I’m 40 but that’s okay. I will persist! Even though it seems like nothing is happening…
I want to make new friends because some of the ones I have are crazy. But I am realizing that everyone is “crazy”. Just trying to cope with life. My dad once said to me, “Everyone is crazy except for you and me.” How true…and maybe my goal should be to be more accepting and less judgemental of the people in my life.
I started a class this week called Positive Thinking and meditation. Our homework for the first week is to get a small notebook and write down our negative thoughts when we have them and to meditate for 15 minutes a day. It is difficult to do both. I was able to do it yesterday but today I woke up too late (negative thought #1) and just wanted coffee before going out. I will meditate later – I promise.
I’m not giving up on finding my perfect career. I’m going to focus on different phrasing for this goal – finding meaningful, fulfilling and well compensated work.
I am learning gradually to share my feelings and thoughts with more people and I feel so much better. It’s amazing. I started writing about my feelings and experiences with my mother’s struggle with Alzheimer’s, which seems to be nearing an end. I feel liberated to be writing about it, even if no one reads it.
I started blogging recently, mostly to practice writing every day and sharing my thoughts with the masses. Here’s my site:
http://thesweetestspot.blogspot.com/
Trying to find my sweet spot every day!
