shemsheli

As paralyzed and rotten as I currently feel, I would feel worse if it weren’t for a few things:

1. I know this is the worst that it will get. While waiting for my ex’s wedding, I was holding my breath, but now it’s over. It can’t get any worse. Until they have kids.

2. I met a guy online who is nice and he really likes and appreciates me, and I think he’s cute and he has some good qualities that I would like to emulate. I know he’s not my soulmate because the conversation just doesn’t flow, but I am happy to have someone to cuddle with at such a stressful time.

3. This other “deep” guy basically fell out of the sky and wants to get to know me and keeps asking me questions about myself, which is incredibly therapeutic given the circumstances. Don’t know whether he’s my soulmate, but there’s something there and he’s clearly interested.

4. Other than not doing any work, I am basically functional. I’ve been exercising at least a little every day. I’m cooking. I’m eating reasonably. I’m finding social things to do almost every day. I feel like I might lose 1-2 pounds in the next few weeks if this keeps up.

5. After making a big effort with benzoyl peroxide, my acne has almost entirely disappeared and the scars are fading.

6. This city is beautiful and exciting, especially in the summer.

7. My parents are supportive and helping me move.

I’m not, but I like the facebook group’s name.

1. The guy I thought I would marry for five years just got married on the day that we’d chosen for our wedding, the week of our anniversary, and he had asked me to get back together less than 9 months ago, when he was months into dating his current wife. He was my best friend for 5 years, and it’s clear from our conversations that we can never talk again barring extreme circumstances, as if we were divorced. I feel divorced. I don’t know that I would like to be married to him, but I am sad to lose his friendship.

2. I’ve had a hard time concentrating on work, and I have done very few productive things in the past 3 weeks. My current job is ending in just a few weeks and I haven’t accomplished much all year, and I’d really like to leave with a good impression. I feel like I wasted the year.

3. I have to move to a new city for a new (good!) job, and I feel scared and unsure where to live. I’ve lived in all the major US cities, but the new city is simultaneously dangerous and doesn’t have much going on.

4. Beyond the scariness and pressure of moving to a new city, there’s the pressure of finding a husband, and I feel like I have to do everything exactly right to maximize the chances of that working out.

I feel absolutely completely rotten and I know that I will feel better if I accomplish some task, but I have trouble concentrating. The irony is that I broke up with my ex partly because he had depression that paralyzed him for years. He improved in the next 2 years after we broke up because he finished his college classes and got more responsibility and rose to the occasion. I wish I hadn’t lost respect for him back when we were dating.

and I am making my way through them very slowly, savoring them. To find out how to download all the episodes through their live-streaming technology, you can google and find a way to do that through a firefox extension.

(I am also missing #5 by the way, and also I think #8 and maybe a few others, but I won’t worry about those until I get through the rest.)

I’m single right now and I’m about to move to another city, and TAL keeps me company.