I'm doing 38 things
Several weeks ago, you know, I had that weekend meltdown. It prompted a lot of thinking and some good discussions with you and with M, my best friend.
M encouraged me to set some limits with the kids about dumping hassles on me. It’s been just adding to the fatigue. We talked about making a very explicit list of chores and telling them to either step up and do them or give up their phones so I can afford a maid more often than twice a month.
I did that. The lists are of weekly chores and daily chores, since they seem to be ignoring both. We talked about them when they got back from California last Tuesday, and they actually seemed to get it.
Girl-child seems to use hers. She is checking off each chore done, like I told her, and she can measure when she should be free by when she gets the chores done. It’s very helpful to me, because I don’t have to keep reminding her.
Son-child, on the other hand, followed his for a day or two, and then started ignoring it. Last night he wanted to go out on a date, but he had not done the most basic chores. I told him not till he did them. He threw things together and left—leaving his stuff still thrown around everywhere. Worse yet, I had heard about this work camp he’s supposed to go to in 2 weeks, next time he’s with me. He didn’t tell me about it.
I had an epiphany…a recognition of the pattern. He doesn’t pay attention to Mother’s Day. He forgets to tell me when his graduation is, or that there is a reception afterwards. He goes with his dad to college orientation, during his custodial time with me, and forgets to tell me he’s leaving town (Can you imagine my fear when I found him gone?). He schedules a work trip during his custodial time with me and doesn’t even tell me. He constantly forgets even basic house rules, like don’t dump your boxers in the hall.
He doesn’t hate me: I’m pretty sure of that. He just isn’t even thinking of me at all. Zippo. He’s not even registering that I exist.
I mean, look at it: He doesn’t even register Mother’s Day, even with all the publicity. That almost takes work, but he can tune things out like nobody’s business. He tunes out that he hasn’t told me basic things. His head is full of his music, his girl, his college, his phone, his graduation, his car, his everything.
I am so sad, because I didn’t raise him to be this way. I gave him responsibility and I kept after him. But his dad didn’t. I had him get presents for his sister’s birthday, etc., but he didn’t have to do that at dad’s. I didn’t give him a car or an ipod or an mp3 player either, for that matter. I don’t have the money. But dad did.
It doesn’t matter. He is almost 18, and I won’t be there to see it, because he’s at dad’s house, and he won’t remember he has a mother. I am done reminding him. I told him today that I didn’t believe he meant to hurt me, but that I have feelings that he’s completely missing. I told him about my feelings (knowing he’ll promptly forget them), but I felt that he should hear them. I didn’t yell at him, but I wanted him to see the pattern and see how much it’s hurting me. I pointed out to him that his dad may enable him, but at this point, he’s responsible for his own behavior.
He didn’t say a word.
He’s grounded. He may lose his phone, if I can muster up the energy to care about it. But none of that will change who he fundamentally is….....which is a very, very self-centered person. It’s really sad.
