sicktotheheart

want to eat & sleep again. That’s what I want right now. And for the sick feeling in my stomach & tightness in my chest to dissolve. Those few things; those are what I want for now.

Then Sunday I asked for more of an explanation. Saturday he claimed we were moving in different directions, which makes no sense because we still have the same life goals & I’ve been extremely supportive & patient with him (at 37 yrs old, he’s been unemployed for 4 years, is living off his parents & making no effort to get work – for one).

Then Sunday morning he says the reason is that he needs to be alone to solve certain problems in his life….This, to me, translates to “it’s not you, it’s me”, which makes me wonder what the real reason is – the Sat reason or Sun reason?

I think the Sat reason is a copout, but the Sun reason seems a copout too, or else, would not he have said something like: “When I work this out, if we’re both single still, then who knows, maybe we’ll find each other again”. I kept waiting for a “who knows” or a “maybe someday”, but it never came. This to me, simply means he does not love me.

I DO know he’s allowed all of these outside pressures to change how he feels about me, even though he was always saying I was the one good thing in his life. His ex-wife’s antics have gotten him down, failure to meet another goal has left him feeling worthless, being without a job made him feel like a loser. But here I was, the one person telling him he had value, that he meant a lot to me, that I was willing to be patient as long as I knew he was serious about me. Any spats we’ve had were mostly directly related to these outside pressures, making him edgy or me frustrated with him burying his head in the sand. Still, I always listened to him whine, brood, cry.

During the breakup talk, he said that some “insightful” things I said made him realize what he needs to do & that I helped him readjust his perspective positively. The previous Thursday he’s telling me he can’t wait to see me Saturday, and he said several times how much he loves me. Who the hell emphasizes to someone how much they love them, and then goes onto breakup with them a few days later? Who notes how supportive/enlightening someone has been, and then dismisses that person from their life?

During the breakup talk I ask him if he ever really loved me and he says, “I felt something like love”. I honestly wish he had just said that he did not love me anymore, because then I could write the whole thing off as a lie. But instead I have memories, recent ones, of him proclaiming warmly how much he loves me & how important I am to him, to compare to this claim of “something like love”. Which is the truth? It’s this wondering that is driving me nuts.

It’s only day 2, beginning night 3 since the breakup, and I just want to be over it already. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t go for long without a bout of tears, etc.

In some ways, most ways, I wish I had never met him.

“Love is so short, forgetting is so long.”

I was too forgiving. He was divorced for only a year, unemployed & living off his parents, placed the blame for his problems on others, etc. Needless to say, it did not work out, and here I am upset & alone again.

I think I need to reassert standards for myself. It’s hard for me to balance having standards & being understanding. I can go from being picky to giving someone the benefit of the doubt TOO much & in either case am not very realistic….