and realizing the changes I need to make in order to attract that sort of person. I will admit that I can be quite lazy, and this will require effort.
My first goal is essentially to be more altruistic, although that is a vague way of putting it. So i will have to limit the time for my selfish pursuits, and that is hard when you work full-time….in your off hours you really just want to vegetate :X
but I am coming to terms with the idea that it probably won’t happen. That idea doesn’t seem so tragic anymore either….
I think I can say I am “over him”. I still like him a lot as a friend, and I hope we can continue to be friends without me relapsing into any silly fantasies. I think this obsession was just a coping mechanism to distract me from my real problems anyway.
I feel okay with him being just a fantasy here & there…there is no longing attached to it now.
my eyes have been opened and I realize what is going on downstairs. Instead of feeling doom & gloom at diagnosing myself with vaginismus, I feel relieved! Now I feel I have some kind of idea on how get in control of my body, instead of letting it control me & cause fear. Vaginismus can be a viscous cycle of pain causing a fear, and the fear causing a tensing of muscles, which then leads to more pain and so on.
I’ve learned a lot reading this site (which doesn’t try to sell you anything!):
http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/
Strangely enough, I feel less lonely now that I am living alone. That may change once the novelty of living alone wears off, but for now it is nice.
I am also trying to be more productive & focus on my priorities, which always makes me feel more fulfilled, and less depressed.
It’s hard to say. My feelings swing back & forth. One moment I think I am fine & over it, then something small happens that throws me for a loop & I realize that a secret part of me still wants it very much.
an idealist. I’m in the clouds.
I want to come down. I want to live life without the past crippling me, or the future worrying me, or being stuck in la-la land as a way to escape my dissatisfaction with the present.
I find it hard to be... I’m always defining myself based on who I was or who I wish I was, instead of who I am. That definition keeps me stuck, but at the same time I cling to certain aspects of it that justify what I don’t like about myself.
But I feel like if I am not the shy, sullen, artsy, smart girl, then who am I?
Maybe when I was happier and liked myself more as a child, I was not that person. I do know that I was living in the present and not worrying about it.
to meet someone I connect with, both intellectually & physically. 99% of the guys who express interest in me & who ask me out I am not attracted to, and often we have little in common.
I don’t know if it is because I am so timid, and maybe people I have things in common with are also timid? That doesn’t explain the physical attraction part. I don’t even have high standards, but I just never like the men who like me.
I want to be crazy about someone, and have it returned for once also. I don’t care if it’s convenient, or if they are “right” in every way, I only want to feel something.
I’m all moved in. Slept there a few nights. Slept surprisingly well. I’m very happy with my apartment so far & adjusting well to being on my own. We’ll see how long it takes for the loneliness of living alone to settle in… :P
In any case, I am truly independent for the first time in my life :)
I guess I want to feel special. I always feel like “one of many” to other people…. If I had the distinction of being the most important one to someone, then I suppose I’d be less inclined to compare my status to others. Right now, I think, “well, there’s always someone better than me & that is why I lose out”. And then I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone or anything…
I’m packing all my things up, & I have bought a good amount of stuff (mostly practical stuff, like a vacuum & plates, but it adds up).
The only real damper on all of this is my sister….she’s nearly suicidal about it, because she is older & still living with the parents too. There’s a lot of other things that are weighing on her also, of course. I guess it’s one more disappointment for her…
I just wish everyone could be a little more excited for me. I keep hearing, “Why do you want to be on your own?”. I mean, isn’t it a little old fashioned to think a woman should live at home well into her 20s just cuz she hasn’t gotten married? What am I supposed to do, live at home til I’m 35?!
I’ve done it all myself too….no one’s bought me so much as a dish. But I know I will end up hearing how they all did so much to help me….that just irritates me for some reason.
I decided against buying for now. I need to get used to living on my own, and a lease is a lot better way to test the water than a mortgage. On the chance I cannot handle it, it’s easier to get out of.
Bad news is, my cat can’t come along to my new apartment…
I found out I can put a lot less down than I thought. Plus it’s a buyer’s market right now. It’s such a scary commitment though!
I’ve reduced my viewing of this person’s profile to a normal amount. As much as I would view any friend’s profile when I leave a comment.
I feel less anxious. Ignorance is bliss!
for no good reason. It doesn’t make me mean or shallow if I am not attracted to someone who seems attracted to me. Sometimes you just don’t clique…and it’s nobody’s fault.
but it was just “eh”....
I suppose there is no harm in a dry spell if the alternative is nothing great.
He’s very awkward & a big nerd, but there’s something I do like about him. I don’t really know what it is. Problem is, now he is blowing it. He never calls…only emails or instant messages….and he gives me a days notice at best to hang out. By then I have plans, so I don’t even know how we’ll ever see each other. He’s such an idiot….why do dorky guys complain about girls not liking them & then when ones does (& I am quite out of his league…I know I am too pretty for him…he even hinted at this), they just let her slip away? That’s basically what he is doing….I wonder if he only thinks I’m hot & doesn’t really like my personality…that may be it.
a part of me really wants to just try….I keep racking my brain as to how…
