sicktotheheart

Is this really my life? I don’t even think I’m alive at times….it’s strange how detached from the moment you become, so that when there are seconds and 10s of seconds and minutes in which you are aware of the moment, you still feel completely removed from it and it’s even less real because it has become hyper real. Then you move in a daze, but you feel every movement. It’s unpleasant. How do I get back into my head?

That may not make sense, but it did when I wrote it.

about online dating.
There’s the issue of comprising my integrity. I wonder how worth it this is just to not be alone.
On the other hand, I think maybe I am simply being realistic by going out of my comfort zone in dating. It is hard to have such narrow restrictions to who you date, and I felt like I could not be pro-active in anyway before. I feel like I actually have options now.

accurate to “diagnose” yourself, but more and more I suspect I have an avoidant personality. I want to connect with people, but I simply cannot. Lately I feel like I have no personality, or no aspect of it worth showing to people. I feel like this black hole of miserableness. I’m convinced I come off as odd and people think I am weird and sad and they pity me, and it’s painful to realize.

therapy…but I don’t know what kind. I suppose I want cognitive behavioral therapy…I definitely do not want meds. I can’t go to a therapist who does not respect my religious beliefs either.

I’m concerned about talking to someone about myself. Typing is easier than talking…being articulate in speaking is much harder for me. I also hate talking about myself in general. I am very uncomfortable with being the focus in a conversation. I get anxious, and that can lead to tears. I practically cry when I just go to a store to return something. I get emotional and overwhelmed too easily, which is why I want to seek therapy, but at the same time, these very same tendencies are at odds with that goal, as they make me want to hide from the world.

there are still things I wish I had that others have (not material things…), but lately I have been pretty okay with my life, and am trying to stay hopeful with the things that still bug me.

and realizing the changes I need to make in order to attract that sort of person. I will admit that I can be quite lazy, and this will require effort.
My first goal is essentially to be more altruistic, although that is a vague way of putting it. So i will have to limit the time for my selfish pursuits, and that is hard when you work full-time….in your off hours you really just want to vegetate :X

but I am coming to terms with the idea that it probably won’t happen. That idea doesn’t seem so tragic anymore either….

I think I can say I am “over him”. I still like him a lot as a friend, and I hope we can continue to be friends without me relapsing into any silly fantasies. I think this obsession was just a coping mechanism to distract me from my real problems anyway.

I feel okay with him being just a fantasy here & there…there is no longing attached to it now.

Strangely enough, I feel less lonely now that I am living alone. That may change once the novelty of living alone wears off, but for now it is nice.
I am also trying to be more productive & focus on my priorities, which always makes me feel more fulfilled, and less depressed.

It’s hard to say. My feelings swing back & forth. One moment I think I am fine & over it, then something small happens that throws me for a loop & I realize that a secret part of me still wants it very much.

an idealist. I’m in the clouds.
I want to come down. I want to live life without the past crippling me, or the future worrying me, or being stuck in la-la land as a way to escape my dissatisfaction with the present.

I find it hard to be... I’m always defining myself based on who I was or who I wish I was, instead of who I am. That definition keeps me stuck, but at the same time I cling to certain aspects of it that justify what I don’t like about myself.

But I feel like if I am not the shy, sullen, artsy, smart girl, then who am I?
Maybe when I was happier and liked myself more as a child, I was not that person. I do know that I was living in the present and not worrying about it.

to meet someone I connect with, both intellectually & physically. 99% of the guys who express interest in me & who ask me out I am not attracted to, and often we have little in common.
I don’t know if it is because I am so timid, and maybe people I have things in common with are also timid? That doesn’t explain the physical attraction part. I don’t even have high standards, but I just never like the men who like me.

I want to be crazy about someone, and have it returned for once also. I don’t care if it’s convenient, or if they are “right” in every way, I only want to feel something.

I’m all moved in. Slept there a few nights. Slept surprisingly well. I’m very happy with my apartment so far & adjusting well to being on my own. We’ll see how long it takes for the loneliness of living alone to settle in… :P
In any case, I am truly independent for the first time in my life :)

I guess I want to feel special. I always feel like “one of many” to other people…. If I had the distinction of being the most important one to someone, then I suppose I’d be less inclined to compare my status to others. Right now, I think, “well, there’s always someone better than me & that is why I lose out”. And then I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone or anything…

I’m packing all my things up, & I have bought a good amount of stuff (mostly practical stuff, like a vacuum & plates, but it adds up).

The only real damper on all of this is my sister….she’s nearly suicidal about it, because she is older & still living with the parents too. There’s a lot of other things that are weighing on her also, of course. I guess it’s one more disappointment for her…

I just wish everyone could be a little more excited for me. I keep hearing, “Why do you want to be on your own?”. I mean, isn’t it a little old fashioned to think a woman should live at home well into her 20s just cuz she hasn’t gotten married? What am I supposed to do, live at home til I’m 35?!

I’ve done it all myself too….no one’s bought me so much as a dish. But I know I will end up hearing how they all did so much to help me….that just irritates me for some reason.

I decided against buying for now. I need to get used to living on my own, and a lease is a lot better way to test the water than a mortgage. On the chance I cannot handle it, it’s easier to get out of.
Bad news is, my cat can’t come along to my new apartment…

I found out I can put a lot less down than I thought. Plus it’s a buyer’s market right now. It’s such a scary commitment though!

I’ve reduced my viewing of this person’s profile to a normal amount. As much as I would view any friend’s profile when I leave a comment.
I feel less anxious. Ignorance is bliss!

for no good reason. It doesn’t make me mean or shallow if I am not attracted to someone who seems attracted to me. Sometimes you just don’t clique…and it’s nobody’s fault.