Tigerman

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written anything, but not for lack of trying. I’ve been thinking about writing something here about every other day. Most days I was simply too angry to write anything. Yes, I’m pissed off, almost every day. Especially when I get up and I realize my dream is fading and the horrible reality is seeping back in. I hate my life soo much.
The summer heat is a mind-numbing concern. but the events of the past few weeks are what are really bringing me down. I’ve lost all my friends, again. It just keeps getting worse every time. I had a friend whom I was regularly calling; she got me into reading the Anita Blake series, but also she was such a dear friend and had friends from her high school that she was still talking to, and she promised me she would never dump me as a friend. Well, I was also following her tweets that she made from her phone, and one day they just stopped. And I tried to call her many times, day and night, left messages… no use. I haven’t heard a peep out of her for over 3 weeks now. She’s just gone, and I don’t have her exact address and she lives over 2 hours away so I don’t know what I can do find out if she’s still alive.
Then this last week I get contacted on my dating site by someone who was just wonderful, a really good match. We sent email messages back and forth, and it just kept getting better. I asked if we could have an IM session and next day we were talking up a storm. It went on for several hours and we made each other laugh a lot and we exchanged so many of our interests, and then she had to go and said she’d see me the next day. I asked for a time but she said she wouldn’t know exactly when she got home from work. So at 5pm the next day I logged into the IM app and waited. And waited. And I tried sending her a hello too. Nothing. So I sent back a nice email early the day after that saying that I must have missed her somehow. No answer. The next day I tried the IM again. Decided to give email a break and said nothing. The day after that I tried the email again, asking for some kind of sign or explanation or comment. NOthing. No answers to any of my attempts and communication. It’s been 2 weeks now and I’m pissed off. I can handle being strung along or rejected but this is just getting weird. People are just disappearing on me.
Ever since my cat Y died back in March, I have had no “backup support” in case people fail me. It’s been a bit bizarre not having anyone to talk to, and I never thought it would hit me so hard, that I would need a friend. But I’m at my wits end. I don’t feel like it’s worth the trouble of getting to know someone anymore, since they will disappear anyway. I’ve tried throwing myself into my hobbies but that’s not making me happy at all, I just feel more lonely at the end of the day. Nobody will see or even know what I’m creating anyway.
So now I’m here writing down all this crap because I feel the end is near. I’ve really had it with life and all the useless efforts, and when I’m gone nobody will miss me or even know I’m gone. I’m just a bit curious how much worse it can get. I suppose things are quiet, too quiet, since I can sleep all day long and then again at night and it does not matter. Only the dreams are the bright points in my life, and they all fade so very quickly, even faster than the disappearing people.
I just wanted you to know that I’m not this depressed when talking to my friends, I manage to make a few jokes and have a few laughs, but it’s all so pointless and hollow now. There’s nobody left.

The grocery stores are offering more and more items as “toppings” for salads, already chopped up and ready to dump on. This gives me some good ideas for stuff to try.

I put my arm on a hot lightbulb. Made a nice dime-sized burn. Hurt like a wasp sting. :( I had to spray it down with some Lidocaine + aloe. A day later it no longer hurts. :)