sofaking13

I’m sitting here nervously shaking my leg wondering WTF happened and how on earth I let myself get to where I am. You may read that and begin to wonder what horrific depths I’ve fallen to, but the truth is I have lived a very normal life. The kind of life that I know many people could only dream about living just because of the normalcy of it all. I had a good upbringing in a loving family situation. I went to school and I graduated from college and I got a job and I worked. I got married I have 2 absolutely perfect little girls who I am trying so very hard to not completely F-up with my ways and behavior. So why now…WHY do I continue to feel so unfulfilled? So lost. So goddamn lonely. I am better than this. I am so much better. I have so much to give.

Right now I am at a crossroads in my life….perhaps THE crossroads. My job was gone 3 months ago, my marriage has been dissolving for years and now it is at the point where I think we tolerate each other but are completely indifferent about our mutual feelings. That indifference is poison. I have lost my confidence and whatever swagger I ever had. I sit in the basement and bang on the computer like I am doing now. Who will read this and why?

Why am I doing it? I think I know. I think I am doing this because if ultimately I put enough words down I am hoping I will be able to make some peace with myself. I don’t have any great amount of faith that this is going to work for me, but it will not hurt me. It cannot hurt me.

I sit here wondering what is THE key thing that is bringing me down and holding me down. Yes, I feel like I am being restrained and that is just me keeping myself from my own happiness and that in itself is maddening. I want to break out. I have begun to throw all my junk away thinking that to be a metaphor for my also trying to throw my mental junk away. I am a caged lion. Me, my electric heater, and my wireless keyboard. We sit here every night and try to figure out how to put the world right. Ultimately if I keep on throwing things out, the keyboard and heater will be the only things left and then I will have to make some decisions on them too.

I need to find the right person to talk to. Not a professional. I need someone who either understands what I am and what I am going through or someone to tell me that this is all just a bunch of self-loathing bullshit and that I need to just pick myself up and get back in the game. I don’t think it’s that easy however. There are major components missing from my life. Sometimes I hate to even think about what is missing from my life because that (to me) is selfish….poor baby is unhappy…dude you got nothing to be unhappy about…that kinda stuff.

Yes I do…

As I said, my marriage stinks,and I’ve been too much of a coward, or maybe too nice a guy to sit her down and have the adult conversation that needs to take place about this. We’re not going anywhere together, and if I should be lucky enough to live another 30 or so years, I am never going to be happy in this situation, I just know it. So the answer is real simple DO SOMETHING to make yourself happy…but you know the drill, the kids, the jobs blah blah blah 10000 excuses. It is time for that to end and time to move on. It took 20 years of increasingly little communication, less common ground, less sex, less conversations, and building resentments to get to this point. It is time to put the pin the in balloon…I know…I know…

My hope is to begin to be able to describe what will make me happy. I am so aching for a real relationship. I still hav all those tools inside me. I’m still a nice person, and maybe a lot better than nice.I can be interesting and even down right charming when needed. I want reciprocation. I want to love and to be loved spiritual mental and physical. I can do it, I just can’t do it here anymore.