sogeo618

It’s only been a week, and my good friend is on a trip downtown with my boyfriend, alone. She has a boyfriend, and they are “job hunting” but it still really pisses me off. She makes time to hang out with him alone.. but not with me. Grrrrrrrrr. I know he’s no longer mine, and when I hung out with him he said he wouldn’t go if I didn’t want him to.. but what right do I have to say no… even if I know they’re going to talk about me. :’(

Today was the first time I hung out with my boyfriend just as friends. It didn’t feel too different, except for the fact that we tried to avoid silly arguments. We went to lunch and then talked in his car for two hours.. he was supposed to leave at two but I kept an hour longer. It was 2.5 weeks since I last saw him and he’s honestly one of my best friends, so I had a lot to talk about. I also needed to be reassured that he wasn’t gonna go out and immediately hook up with a bunch of other girls. It was just comforting to know he was the same patient, loving, great listener he has always been, allowing me to talk as much as I wanted even though he had to go. :P We didn’t really talk about our relationship… but I feel like I got the closure that I needed, knowing he hasn’t changed. When I left, I gave him a hug, and was about to kiss him on the cheek, but then he kissed me on the lips… and proceeded to give me a wedgie… typical behavior lol. I left feeling so much better, I was afraid I would be sad, but no, I’m glad I was able to see him once more before we both go our seperate ways to college. Although it wasn’t said, I think we both know believe that God willing, we may get back together someday. It wasn’t as “final” as I feared it would be. And if anything, I know we have our friendship. :)

I’ve been trying to “explore” different parts of the Bible on a daily basis, for the past week or so I have been working on reading a chapter from 1 Samuel each day. Today I am on 1 Samuel 17, the story of David and Goliath, which is a story I really enjoy. Its interesting how I can apply what I read to my daily life, which can be difficult with the Old Testament, at least for me.

In addition to that, yesterday I read about the 9 Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) and each day I am trying to work on a different fruit. Yesterday was love. Which for me, entailed being kinder and more caring towards my mom, being friendly to everyone, trying to express Christ’s love simply by smiling. Today’s fruit is joy. It will be interesting to see how I can apply that today.

Seeing him tomorrow, after almost three weeks. I hope that’s not a bad idea. :(

My boyfriend and I finally broke up, after months of fighting. Not major fights, but I was usually upset with him over something, whether he didn’t call/text enough, didn’t compliment me as much anymore, or just didn’t seem interested. The tough part is whenever we were alone together we got along really well, whether we were downtown or just hanging out at home. It was when we were apart, or when we were with friends, that we had issues. Now that we’re going off to different colleges we both knew we wouldn’t last in our current state, so we decided to call it quits. It has been really hard on both of us, we were each others first loves. But when I told my friends, none of them were surprised.. which hurt but it also was a wake up call. Still, I miss him so much, and he told me he misses me. It makes it harder knowing how upset he is, I thought he would have no problem getting over me. I haven’t seen him in two weeks (broke up online), all I wanna do is see him and hug him…. :(

I worked extremely hard last semester, going in for help as much as possible, doing all the homework, and consistently had a B-. Then three weeks before finals, I started getting discouraged, and stopped going in for help. I didn’t even study for the final! I figured I could get through it. I ended up getting an F and dropping down to a C in the class. I was really upset and realized that with Calc, there are no shortcuts or easy ways out, you have to work hard at it the whole time, and can’t get lazy at the last minute. I hope to do better this semester, so I’m prepared for the AP test in May. :)

Two weeks ago we had a bible study for the youth at our church, and I was surprised to find I knew more than everyone else there. The adults were surprised too, because I stopped going to Sunday School when I was like 9. It was funny how although all the other kids went to Sunday School, I still knew way more than they did, because I took time to read it on my own. And after the bible study, I realized how much I enjoy reading The Bible, its a really relaxing way to end the day, and I’m tired of my own excuses not to read it! :)

Instead of using Facebook, hang out with people!! I have spent so many nights locked up in my office room on the computer, convinced I was too “busy” with homework to study, when I just ended up going on Facebook instead. So why not spend time with friends, have fun, and then set aside time for work after you’ve relaxed a bit. Works for me!

This Sunday marks six months that we’ve been together, and so many of these months I’ve felt insecure about our relationship, because of the cultural differences. But last Friday I realized for the first time how much I love him. I am not a vulnerable girl, it takes a lot for me to put my guard down and trust someone, and I have been able to do that with him—finally. He has always given so much of himself to me, showing me such love, patience, and care… and I’m finally ready to do the same in return. I just hope I can be half as great as he is. I mean I know he isn’t perfect, but he treats me with such tenderness, I keep telling him I don’t deserve it. And he keeps saying that I do. :)

I went to a church event last night, and afterwards there was pizza. Everyone was just standing around instead of eating, but I was too hungry to wait! So I just went on my own, got two slices and started eating. Then I dropped the pizza on the floor. Oh well, I threw it out and got another piece. Eventually, a group of boys followed, but that was a few minutes later. It was a little embarassing, but honestly, I realized I didn’t care. If people are too scared to be the first one to eat, well that’s just pathetic. I won’t be one of those people.

This is such a huge challenge for me…. I think I need a new Bible. A good study bible, because the one I have now is for 8 year olds. Maybe then I will be more interested.

I think the problem is that I surf the Internet whenever I’m stressed out. I’m not sure if spending time working is this best solution, otherwise I’d be working a lot. Instead, I think I need to spend my time on other things, like reading, spending time outside, talking with family, cleaning, etc. Simple things to relieve stress. So then when it comes time to work, I’ll be more focused, since using the computer provides little stress relief.

So I’m learning to let loose and have fun, even if it means looking a little goofy. I had a great time at Homecoming, my boyfriend and I danced like little kids!! I’m not into “dirty dancing” and refused to give into the pressure of dancing that way. People looked at us like, what are they doing? But I don’t care. I realized it doesn’t matter, the people who thought we looked stupid are people I will probably never see again after I graduate, and besides, who cares what they think? :)

So I’ve been going in for help several times a week, doing all the homework and paying attention in class, and I think my hard work is finally paying off! I got a D on the first test despite all my studying but I got a B- on the second test so I’m very excited. I hope I can keep it up. :) Btw if anyone ever needs help with algebra or pre-calc let me know and I’ll try to help you out.

Homecoming is tonight and I’m really nervous. There are a few guys in our group that I know don’t like my boyfriend at all, and I don’t think he even knows it. It drives me crazy, and makes me feel insecure about our relationship… I know I can’t worry about what they think of him. Plus neither me nor my boyfriend can dance…. and I’m really nervous because I rather not make a fool out of myself. I need to learn to let go and have a good time, but I’m so caught up in what others will think when they see me dance. Plus I’m embarassed of my boyfriend’s dancing skills, which is a terrible thing to say I know. I feel really self-conscious but I pray I can get over it, I really want to enjoy myself tonight.

I am in AP Calculus AB (which normally gets the response—“ooh you’re smart!” not exactly. i am just persistent!!) I spend more time doing math than any other class combined, usually two to three hours per day. It’s extremely frustrating because my teacher covers tons of material in very little time, and I have trouble understanding it all. My boyfriend has had to help me with everything, although he’s not taking the class he tries to help from memory of pre-calc. It’s ridiculous. But I am not giving up. I go in for help almost every morning, and I am hoping to get a B- in the class. I think I can do it.

So my brother deleted Leechblock one day and since then I’ve been too lazy to re-install it (although it’s not hard!) Instead I got rid of all email notifications because I found that every time I received one I HAD to check my Facebook. So that has definitely been helping! :)

This Tuesday will mark four months of being together officially. These past few months have been filled with emotion; doubt, insecurity, confusion, irritation, and utter bliss. It’s humbling to know how little time has passed, but I safely say he has become my best friend, which is wonderful. Never have I had someone (outside my family) who cares for me so greatly, all I have to do is look in his eyes and I know how in love with me he is. :)

I got my first kiss a week after my last entry. Hahaha. My boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie, but it was sort of boring so I wasn’t really paying attention. He had his arm around me and pulled me in close to him and we looked at each other. The moment I looked away, he leaned in and kissed me. Not that exciting or anything… I guess I’m not that into kissing. lol. :)

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 2 ½ months now… and we have yet to kiss. He has come close, several times actually, now that I think about it lol. I guess it’s me who is always a little afraid. Like he’ll be close to me like he wants to kiss me but I’ll look at him quickly and then look away. Lol. The closest I’ve gotten is kissing him on the cheek. Haha. I’m in no rush, so we’ll see what happens. :)