sophialucky

Well not really, but hey its a good way to help recover from a broken heart. Not lasting but whatever, especially internationally and never having to see the person again.

Would not like repeating though, unless internationally :0). Repeated it and it kind made me feel cheap and empty. But whatever. Live and learn.

I have had major set backs in my life.
For a long time I was with a person that would not accept that I have a mental illness, well disorder. And he would not let me take medication. I realize no one can make you do anything. But the insecurities in myself prevented me from moving on. It may have been from my childhood with my dad dying at an early age in my life due to his alcholism.

And in the back of my mind even though, I know he probably just had depression like me. but still feeling that if he loved me enough he wouldn’t of have died and left. And this subsequently always made me want the unconditional love that I always wanted in my life. But I tended to find the partners who would not give it to me. Anyway, I digress.

It’s hard seeing the sterotypes of people with mental illnesses being drug addicts or whatever. I have had a deblitating depression twice in my life. Literally could not function at all. The last depression was due to me being on and off meds due to trying to be with the one I wanted. And it left me seven months out of work. I literally wanted to die everyday of my life.

For those who have been through depression its probably the hardest thing one ever has to go through. Well, I mean it depends on your perspective. I don’t want to minimize other people’s experiences. I know a lot of people have had it worse than me. But anyway, I don’t want to define myself anymore on that set back. I am stable for two years as I had to let that person in my life go because I could not take being on and off meds.

I fear that maybe I will not find anyone because of my illness. But at least I want to love and believe in myself. It has taken a lot out of me to go through those depressions especially the last one that took 7 months to get out off and thankfully I got out of it with electroshock. My heart goes out to people whose depression does not stop as I know they are others out there. I have no idea how they survive.

I just want to try to reach my goals and dreams again. I am proud to say I just got a promotion at work and my dream is also to go back to school. The school thing has been put on hold for so long and I just want to gain the courage in myself to go. I know I have a few issues being on meds my memory is not as sharp and they can make me tired. But I know of others who are going and are currently enrolled. No one asks for this illness and it sucks. But I want to move on with my life and not let this disorder define me anymore. It’s just one part of my life its not who I am.

I think the road to self acceptance is a long one. But I am trying. I think one of the movie lines I have heard is “God gives us obstacles” everyone has their share.

When I got dumped by my college boyfriend and I went to London with my sister. I made two goals kiss a british guy and kiss a cowboy.

Kissed a bunch of British guys. But I have yet to kiss a cowboy. Not sure where I will find one in NYC, not going to kiss the naked cowboy though. I made a vow to myself to do this before I got married. Though, I have no boyfriend or any real prospect. This little thing keeps me going on why I have not found the right guy, have not kissed my cowboy yet :0)