I didn’t realize that my family problems were so deeply rooted for so long until I moved 3,000 miles away from my immediate family. I received a great job offer and relocation package after I finished graduate school. I always felt some type of animosity towards me from my mom and her sisters but could never put my finger on it. I always felt like they were all angry at me for something but could not figure out why. My mom’s divorced from my father due to an abusive relationship, for good reason over 25-30 years ago. I have had to play the whipping boy for the things my father said and did to them while he did live with us, some things I was aware of, but I think there are things that I’m not aware of I was young about 5 or 6 yrs old.
Since my physical resemblance is so close to my father I have lost my identity. In my mother eyes, and also her sisters, I represent him so I have been treated as if I was the one who treated them this way or somehow support or condone the things he’s said and done. Any time I don’t agree with something my mother says or don’t conduct my life the way she would, I have to hear “you’re just like your father”
I’ve heard this all of my life, all through childhood. Throughout my life I notice that when things are going REALLY sour for me, like I go thru a bad breakup or lose my job, no support or encouragement is given. Just silence. It’s acted like it’s an expected thing. I feel like they are secretly enjoying it because they are silent about it. When things are going pretty steadily, not necessarily spectacular but just okay, and positive, I hear more criticism from my mother. Example, the first year I moved to CA I lost 40 lbs after I’d learned I was diabetic so I worked REALLY hard in the gym to lose it and I thought she’d be proud. She said, oh that’s just your diabetes getting worse, that happens when you become diabetic. So in other words, you couldn’t possibly have achieved that through hard work.
To be hated so much, you think it would be best to remove myself. I find out that they are pretty much sitting around stewing waiting for something bad to happen to me so they can celebrate my failure. I really think that my hurt, pain, or failures serve as some sick type of revenge towards my father. I didn’t realize it until this year, it’s all starting to make sense now. Last family visit on Labor Day weekend went horrible and I ended up coming back 4 days early and spent extra money to do it, but I didn’t care. I was so miserable that I wanted to just come back home to detox from all of the bad memories from my mom’s failed marriage, which she also has blamed me for. She basically says that she would not have stayed in her marriage if it weren’t for me.
So. This is why I am separating myself from my mother. I deserve to have my own life and I did nothing to cause any of these events to happen. I’m carrying a lot of guilt when good things happen for me and for the longest time I never knew where it was coming from, now I do. That’s something I have to work on very hard. I say I’ll never go back to visit, maybe one day I will, but it won’t be any time soon.