sorroundedButAlone

I swear… the older I get the more of a scaredy-cat I turn into. Mortality is doing a number on me. Things I used to do every day I never do and when I go to do them I do them soooo cautiosly. Like snowboarding. I have completely regressed to the point of not even going because I dont want to go alone but wont go with friends because I think they wont want to ride with me slowing them down..or I am just embarrassed for people I know to see how bad I have become. Lame. Surfing…I love the feeling…but yet i dont even LET myself progress because I am afraid of these consequences I have built up in my head. So I pretrend to myself and whoever I am with to be unbalanced and prissy. Lame. That has never been me, but yet I cant seem to break through this scaredy cat barricade I have created for myself. I want to be more daring. I want to go for it. I want to feel live I am ALIVE again!

I seriously forgot how to have fun i think. I am an only child and have spent so much of my life doing things alone, hanging out with my mother, and being in serious relationships. I have always been sort of a closet introvert despite my extrovert appearance/behavior. Does that make sense? it doesnt to me. I have a lot of friends, but not close friends…at least I dont feel like they are very close. I have all these friends but yet not a tight-knit group. I would love to have that..but every time I get to know people a little better I get turned off for some reason. I cant explain it very well. I am not a snob by any means… but I think for some strange and very lame reason I developed extremely high expectations of other people and myself. And I have a really hard time letting go and just having fun, acting goofy, dancing even if the club/bar is light and I dont have a buz. I am always so serious, contemplative, analytical and rule abiding. I just dont have fun anymore. I dont know why. I am so worried that I am missing the primest years of my life sitting at home. What do you do when your 29, unmarried, no kids, and no close friends?