soughter

Today was strange as I did not start having any flashbacks until 10pm. I stayed mostly focused throughout the day on browsing Pinterest. While it is more of a distraction than actively coping, I felt pretty relieved mentally for the first time in months. I like making pinboards. I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly for not being more ‘productive’ because that will only cause me to trigger at this time. Its probably the best I’m doing to avoid and acknowledge any triggers I have at this moment. Earlier I started understanding a little that I do not want to come to terms and realize what I need to deal with. I have admitted it to my doctor but I still choose to live in denial to protect myself. To really fully understand might be too overwhelming for me to deal with, but I don’t know. I need to make time for practicing grounding exercises instead of trying to avoid reality. Reality is the fact that I know I am going to have flashbacks – often. Reality is knowing that just about everything can trigger me and that around every corner there is potentially a cue. I just don’t want to think of my life in these terms but it is the first step of getting out of hell my mind is constructing. It is hard to admit I am flawed in this way. I don’t want to believe the facts of my life or even live with knowing so much has been done. I want to start over and be a new person but I can’t. There is only one me. I’m tired of being brave. I don’t want to give up but… I don’t really want to fight. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I want to embrace life, love and living, the whole world. I want to have faith and be assured. I want to create a real comfort zone and take it with me everywhere I go. I want to let go of the past, anxiety and flashbacks and triggers and cues. I want to learn how to cope.

I have been dealing with PTSD most of my life. I have only recently, in the past 8 years or so, begun to learn how to overcome it. It has seemed like a lifelong battle for a very young person. I have been chronically fighting a recurring phase for the past 3 months that has been especially difficult. Sometimes it feels like I’m never going to get over this. There are times when I feel safe and at peace, and they are brief, but they are some of the sweetest moments I wish I could prolong indefinitely. I always have flashbacks. No one really knows what I’m going through because I’m afraid of being stigmatized, but Id really like to confront that challenge. I’m currently attempting to focus on grounding exercises but it is difficult for me to focus. I want to improve my focus on grounding exercises.

This is such a difficult goal for me to even grasp, mentally, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. It’s something I need to focus on whenever possible. Sometimes I get confused and think I’m being rude. I guess that goes to show how much I’m willing to bury my own interests – I think it’s rude to express myself! Maybe it’s because I always hear a voice telling me I shouldn’t want to do this, that other people’s feelings, attitudes and such come first. But I know that I should be paying more attention to what I need. At times I think what I need will come through others, and I focus on the importance of serving them to get what I want. But it shouldn’t always be like this. I think its difficult to be in a position of servitude because it’s hard to get out, if you ever want to. Most people are a certain way already, either master or servant. I have tried doing both in my life, at an attempt to gain better understanding of both worlds, and balance. Maybe right now what I’m trying to do is incorporate both philosophies into my style of living. It’s a great challenge, but I still do not feel that I’m getting it right. I find myself in situations where I go along with others and can’t enjoy my time there, or exercise enough will or assertiveness to feel as though I’ve made the time my own. And there are still many instances where I subordinate myself and my desires to the will of others, neglecting my own, out of fear. To some extent it may be because over the years I have put pride and egoism in a bad bin. There are better words to describe the various states of self confidence and appreciation, but I guess it takes a lot of work to earn that. I guess I have not yet learned what it truely means to serve others unconditionally, or else I would be wiser now. And in that case, I am still a ways from my goal. Because in order to understand myself and the world around me, I feel I should know the power of self sacrifice, I feel I should deeply understand the mechanics of it, so I don’t fall victim to my own devices in the process of becoming greater. I dont feel that I should have to cull the talents and skills of others, I feel that others should desire to support me without persuasion, and I am familiar with that feeling, so it is possible.