spreadyourwings

Right now I think the best way to describe how I feel is a MESS.

I wish I knew how to feel ok all the time but somehow I can’t. I want to understand everything that has happened in the past year and a half, but I don’t think I ever will. Furthermore, I’m not sure I’m ever going to get over it all, no matter how much I pretend that I am. Usually I’m ok at keeping it all together because I’m working so hard towards something else that anything that’s upsetting me has to go into the gutter to be dealt with at another time. Silly me! It’s how I cope though. I run and I run until eventually I’ve lost my point of destination and with no solid co-ordinates to head towards I self destruct- Stopping to take stock, I realise that I’m not exactly happy at all- just busy. I’m there again I guess.

University is over. I’m no longer a student. I no longer have a proper job or purpose. I cannot go to become a teacher because places are full at universities – all bar one of the top Welsh ones and I don’t wanna run that far away. So now I’m in Limbo without a clue what I should do for a year while I wait for applications to open up again.

I logged into facebook today and was faced with a picture of Heath and his friend Adam’s baby and for some reason it was like a sock to the stomach. I felt physically sick. Then further down my lovely little news feed there was photos of him and his new girlfriend making googley eyes. There was me thinking I had moved on – like one of those grown up people. Apparently not. I looked at his beautiful face and I thought- that used to be mine- but I was never good enough to deserve it and that’s why I couldn’t keep hold of it. Shows how low I’m feeling I guess.

Ben and I are arguing a lot more lately. I don’t know how much longer our relationship should last- though neither of us will walk away even if everyone else can see that we should. I love him but I don’t know that I’m in love with him at the moment. 99% of the time I want to punch him now or put paper in his hair. That makes me feel awful.

I’ve put on 2 stone in weight. I look and feel a mess. I’m unfit and unhealthy. I’m probably going to need an op on my hip. Most of my friends have gone away to greener pastures now uni is over. I feel sooo lonely on top of it all it’s unreal.

I keep looking back at the time I was jumped last year in a pub toilet by a drunk man who looked a bit like Phil Collins because I looked at him like I wanted him. And the time someone very close to me, a few months after that incident, grabbed me and pinned me up against the bathroom wall and pulled my clothes off. I keep wondering if they have made me the person I am or if I made me the person who seemed to lean that way that encouraged their actions? If I’m miserable, I pick at these old wounds to hurt myself because I kinda feel like I deserve it. I even question whether I made them up in my head, even though the latter at least admits to trying to force me to have sex with him (though in his defence I don’t think he was thinking too clearly if at all about what he was doing). I feel sometimes like I embellished events in my head. Added little highlights and tabs to make sure I remember- so I can punish myself.

Heath came back to me at the right time and promised to make it all right, to hurt the people who had hurt me. He was so angry for me, when I couldn’t be. He made me feel ok when I was wanting the world to swallow me up. He held me until I had no more tears to cry, until I fell asleep. I guess now I associate him with feeling ok again so I miss him when I feel low. I know ultimately I pulled myself out of my ‘woe is me’ self despair, but he is my symbol for that and when I feel rubbish, I wish I could have him hold me again.

I need to pull myself out of this rut that I’m in now. Get stronger again. Get healthy and show myself that I am my own hero. Afterall, I was the one who tucked myself into bed after he found it too much to deal with. I was the one who cried over it but I was also the one who got up and said ‘they didn’t want to hurt me. They didn’t mean to. They have apologised’ a week later and it was me who decided to forgive them. He would still have me being bitter over it.

I need to sort out a job or a course or work experience for the next year. I need to plan to go travelling. I need to learn to make carrot cake or something. I need to focus on my goals and find out what I really want & get moving again so that I can be happy.

Luke makes me happy- makes me feel ok.
Ben does that sometimes too- but he’s about as considerate as a gnat chewing on my flesh.
My siblings – I adore them… & the rest of my family.
They are my main people.

I love my life. I love that I’ve done so much in my 21 years thus far. I love that I know I WILL do more!!!! & 43 will encourage me to DO! Instead of moping about not having perfected everything! That’s my problem I think- I’m a drama queen and a perfectionist- can’t be both. I’m a walking conflict HAHA.

Tad… what can I say about Tad???

He hates Ben with more venom than most poisonous snakes possess. He’s still hung up over his ex girlfriend- 2 years down the line. There’s been no one else and he still flips if I see her or if I see his best friend or any other males who are joint friends. Apparently he’s got a thing for me- and I’m not ok with that.

Last night at between 1 and 2am, while I was in bed and asleep I might add, he phoned me and launched into 100 reasons why he can’t stand me anymore. To include my choice of boyfriend, my inability to be free when he clicks his fingers, talking to his ex, meeting his best friend for lunch, using him to stop myself from doing ‘something stupid’ (WHATEVER!). Apparently I’m moody and short tempered with him. I don’t need him. I’ve failed him as a friend. I didn’t go to him as soon as I’d spoken to his best friend to tell him that I’d been talking to other people. I laugh a lot. I wasn’t aware my every movement had to be monitered by him.

My mum says I attract control-freaks as friends and ones with ‘big shortfalls’ or ‘something missing’. This made me laugh today when I went to have coffee with her and we got to talking about Tad and his best friend Peter. Peter’s successful, has a ‘high profile’ job working in the media for the Beeb and has some ‘high profile’ business associates. Tad is jealous. Peter’s a big ladies man and was with Tad’s ex girlfriend (formerly one of my closest friends) before Tad met her. He cannot let this go and blames everyone else for the fact that his relationship failed. Lately he’s taken to ripping into me. I don’t appreciate it.

Well, Mr. Evil gave me a high 2:1 in his final class. I still dislike him immensely though! That drags up my overall for his class to a solid 2:1.

However, it pulls my overall grade average down by nearly 4 marks. My overall first class honours are touch and go now. We’ll see what happens. It’s up to the magic of grade fixtures to make it First Class Honours or a 2:1. I’ve averaged 1st Class honours for the past 2 years but year 1 doesn’t count for anything because most people use it to get trashed- so it’s up to this year.

Either way I’m pretty happy because I passed and I’m going to graduate in July!!!! I get to look silly in my mortar board and fall over on the guildhall steps in my gown! Hoorah!