spreadyourwings

OK- here’s the things I came up with- things that are holding me back, that are rubbishy and that I need to change… etc… etc… etc…

• I am tired most of the time
• I keep snapping at Ben
• I keep randomly crying for no real reason
• My living space is turning into a complete tip… more and more day by day
• There is dust on every shelf, nick nack and piece of junk I own
• I leave cups of tea on the side at night because I am lazy and then they don’t get washed up til the next, because I’m not up in time.
• I am over sentimental about clothes and shoes and things that I don’t need. I believe that they retain bits of the lives we’ve left behind- that I need them for some stupid reason- that something awful could occur without them even. I’ve still got Heath’s jumper in a shoe box under my bed. Don’t tell Ben. I have my skinny-bum jeans that will NEVER fit my bottom again and shoes that I haven’t worn for several years. I’ve got my first boyfriend’s ring in a box and my ‘first coat that I acquired on a date’ screwed up in a ball at the foot of my bed. I am completely obsessive about STUFF. I LOVE STUFF.
• I have put on well over a stone in weight since last year.
• I get out of breath walking up stairs at work.
• I am completely unfit.
• I have a new almost permanent flurry of spots to the left of my chin.
• My teeth have all moved in the wrong direction because my orthodontist has gone on long term sick. No other clinic is free when I am. I am despairing about it but at the same time too lazy to chase people.
• My left hip keeps cracking. I know it is a sign that it is wearing and that I should get it checked- but I’m a wuss and I’m scared they’ll tell me it’s gone wrong again. I couldn’t face more time in hospital. Plus I don’t have time to book a doctors appointment.
• I just ate my way through a family size bag of sweets. I SWEAR I AM GETTING FATTER BY THE MINUTE.
• I can’t even be bothered to wear my contacts anymore. Glasses are easier- but I know I look nicer without them- not that I care about being confident or looking good- though I know I should.
• I am a bad driver.
• My gear changing is appalling. I’m sure my clutch is never fully down when I do the changes… my car will probably fail it’s MOT and cost me obscene amounts of money.
• I lack confidence in myself. I slag myself off and imagine other people are saying what I’m thinking.
• I somehow missed the turning of the leaves this year in Autumn.
• I haven’t managed to write a poem in 4-5 months… maybe longer for stories and adding things to my novel… pshhh. So much for holding on tight to my dreams.
• I feel like I have lost my heart and soul in many ways- because words were my everything for so long and now I don’t make time for them. I haven’t read a book for over a month. I don’t know where the time goes.
• Ben and I are like passing ships in the night right now. I see him when I’m half asleep only. I don’t think I’m giving him my best right now. Why he stays with me I will never know.
• I miss going to see my Nanny for afternoon tea. I don’t see her much at all now because I’m working every day & at night I’m tired so I don’t go out.
• I should spend more time with my brother and sister & concentrate more on other people. I don’t.
• I should see my cousin more. I feel guilty for not being there for her & her kids.
• I miss having mid-morning sex on my days off. I miss lay ins and I miss breakfast in bed. I miss coffee mornings with my girlfriends in town. I miss waking up next to Ben & then going back to sleep. I miss tia maria in my local bar. I miss wearing heels and partying with Heath and having the time of my life with my friends. I miss feeling that the world was mine for the taking.
• I forgot to phone my ex-boyfriend-now-very-close-friend Aiden to wish him happy birthday. I am becoming more and more self centred.
• I have let Tad down for what will probably be the last time. He has given up on me- because I didn’t go and watch him perform.
• I am RUBBISH and not on the ball right now.

I missed lots off that list but I didn’t want to bore anyone who might care to read my rubbishy little moan-fest much more than necessary.

18. I often wonder if he realises how much he has changed from the quiet boy he was when I first met him. I wonder if he’s happy with his life as it is and I wonder where we’ll all be in years to come. I always imagined we’d end up living this life of ‘best friends’ forever. We said when we were younger that we’d move in together if by the time we were 30, one or the other were still living at home. We even decided who would get to decorate what rooms and what colour schemes we’d have. I wonder whether those colour schemes have changed much in our heads over the years!?

19. He is currently immersed in Final Year antics at university. His head is probably fully buried in books at this moment- and if not- it should be :P.

20. He doesn’t believe I’ll ever replace my broken chest of drawers- SHOCK HORROR- I did it today. Sorry Luke. Memories of chest of drawers broken will have to go to the recesses of memory.

21. I can make my tongue go into a flower shape. He was so jealous at college that he went away and practiced it for HOURS. He twisted his little face up something rotten and finally got it. It is a skill he has acquired – something for the CV LOL.

22. And for this entry- something more concrete… he’s an undergraduate Geography student.

And now paid for and sent off, ready to be processed by the lovely people at UCAS/GTTR HQ.

Now to begin the waiting game…

But this goal… is complete :).