OK- here’s the things I came up with- things that are holding me back, that are rubbishy and that I need to change… etc… etc… etc…
- I am tired most of the time
- I keep snapping at Ben
- I keep randomly crying for no real reason
- My living space is turning into a complete tip… more and more day by day
- There is dust on every shelf, nick nack and piece of junk I own
- I leave cups of tea on the side at night because I am lazy and then they don’t get washed up til the next, because I’m not up in time.
- I am over sentimental about clothes and shoes and things that I don’t need. I believe that they retain bits of the lives we’ve left behind- that I need them for some stupid reason- that something awful could occur without them even. I’ve still got Heath’s jumper in a shoe box under my bed. Don’t tell Ben. I have my skinny-bum jeans that will NEVER fit my bottom again and shoes that I haven’t worn for several years. I’ve got my first boyfriend’s ring in a box and my ‘first coat that I acquired on a date’ screwed up in a ball at the foot of my bed. I am completely obsessive about STUFF. I LOVE STUFF.
- I have put on well over a stone in weight since last year.
- I get out of breath walking up stairs at work.
- I am completely unfit.
- I have a new almost permanent flurry of spots to the left of my chin.
- My teeth have all moved in the wrong direction because my orthodontist has gone on long term sick. No other clinic is free when I am. I am despairing about it but at the same time too lazy to chase people.
- My left hip keeps cracking. I know it is a sign that it is wearing and that I should get it checked- but I’m a wuss and I’m scared they’ll tell me it’s gone wrong again. I couldn’t face more time in hospital. Plus I don’t have time to book a doctors appointment.
- I just ate my way through a family size bag of sweets. I SWEAR I AM GETTING FATTER BY THE MINUTE.
- I can’t even be bothered to wear my contacts anymore. Glasses are easier- but I know I look nicer without them- not that I care about being confident or looking good- though I know I should.
- I am a bad driver.
- My gear changing is appalling. I’m sure my clutch is never fully down when I do the changes… my car will probably fail it’s MOT and cost me obscene amounts of money.
- I lack confidence in myself. I slag myself off and imagine other people are saying what I’m thinking.
- I somehow missed the turning of the leaves this year in Autumn.
- I haven’t managed to write a poem in 4-5 months… maybe longer for stories and adding things to my novel… pshhh. So much for holding on tight to my dreams.
- I feel like I have lost my heart and soul in many ways- because words were my everything for so long and now I don’t make time for them. I haven’t read a book for over a month. I don’t know where the time goes.
- Ben and I are like passing ships in the night right now. I see him when I’m half asleep only. I don’t think I’m giving him my best right now. Why he stays with me I will never know.
- I miss going to see my Nanny for afternoon tea. I don’t see her much at all now because I’m working every day & at night I’m tired so I don’t go out.
- I should spend more time with my brother and sister & concentrate more on other people. I don’t.
- I should see my cousin more. I feel guilty for not being there for her & her kids.
- I miss having mid-morning sex on my days off. I miss lay ins and I miss breakfast in bed. I miss coffee mornings with my girlfriends in town. I miss waking up next to Ben & then going back to sleep. I miss tia maria in my local bar. I miss wearing heels and partying with Heath and having the time of my life with my friends. I miss feeling that the world was mine for the taking.
- I forgot to phone my ex-boyfriend-now-very-close-friend Aiden to wish him happy birthday. I am becoming more and more self centred.
- I have let Tad down for what will probably be the last time. He has given up on me- because I didn’t go and watch him perform.
- I am RUBBISH and not on the ball right now.
I missed lots off that list but I didn’t want to bore anyone who might care to read my rubbishy little moan-fest much more than necessary.

