starburst1982

I’m still constantly analysing myself and therefore trying to define myself along with it. I’m also analysing others. I wonder if I ever stopped doing this or if it’s always been there. When I would see my counsellor at college, we reached a crucial point in the sessions in which I had the epiphany that it’s ok to be me. It’s ok to not be the loudest person and it’s ok to not be like others. I remember going home that day and feeling a huge sense of relief and contentment. Before that I was constantly trying to change myself and mould myself into something different. When I was still at school I found alcohol and proceeded to have a very difficult number of years with that and drugs. At the time I loved them both for giving me the ability to change into someone completely different. The anxiety and self hatred disappeared when I was under the influence and that was what I had always craved. I reached a point with them though that they made me really ill, dangerously ill. It’s scary to think that I did actually carry on with them both because at that time I had no care as to whether I lived or died. There was nothing in this world that I wanted and I saw no point for myself or my future. I detested myself and couldn’t bear to be sober.
I remember being younger and watching adults, wishing that I was one of them. They didn’t seem to feel insecure or scared about anything. They could look after themselves without the crippling self doubt and selfconciousness. Here I am though, nearly 30, and feeling socially anxious, still. I wonder if it ever really goes away.

I’d arrived at the school to pick the girls up and they were having a play on the playground. After a while I’d asked both girls to come so we could start walking home. Ella came, however Poppy ignored me. This is usual practice so I did what I always do and called her every so often, being far too laid back and letting her do what she wants. I did say to her that if she didn’t come then she wouldn’t be having any treat from the shop. She didn’t think anything to this which is understandable as I am not the best at sticking to my disciplined word.
That day was different though because I think I just felt something snap inside me. I watched the other parents and it became plain to see that I wasn’t handling the situation correctly. I did something very rare and actually stuck to my word. When Poppy eventually began walking with us and we got to the shop I didn’t allow her any sweets. She stood firm for about 10 minutes and refused to put the sweets back. The man behind the counter was getting very irritated but I put him to the back of my mind and concentrated on getting my discipline done. Poppy was crying and screaming, but I explained to her that if she walked out the shop with the sweets then the policeman would come for her. When she realised that I wasn’t giving in, she threw the sweets down and ran at me with full force. She punched me and bit me, with a bright red face and steam escaping from her ears. I, however, held her arm and without a word proceeded to walk home without a word to her. Once at home, I put her in her room to calm down, while afterwards, going to speak very firmly with her.
I know I’m not painting the best picture of my youngest child and probably not of me either. It is completely down to me as to why she acts like this but I must explain that she is by no means like this all the time. Mostly she is an adorable 5 year old who needs cuddles and kisses more then anything. She is funny and smart and an absolute pleasure to be around. But that day, she was an absolute sod!!
It has taught me a very big lesson though in that I need to stop being a lazy parent and stop letting her get away with everything. I feel that I may have turned over a new leaf the other day.

So i had a break from running today. I also find my arm to be aching and painful today.Not sure why unless i’m over swinging it when i run and this conjures up images that if i was too vain would put me off for good. At the gym there are mirrors in front of some treadmills but i always made sure to run without one. I can’t imagine how someone could ever feel comfortable watching themselves run.