Something has got to be wrong when I don’t feel like I need a drink and yet drink anyways, in some sort of attempt to just relax like everyone else, which never actually works. Of course I go completely overboard and it’s never enough. I am really no fun to go out with because I turn into that depressive idiot that no one wants to be around.
Ugh, I really wish I could understand why I am constantly doing this.
Woke up today to my glasses being smashed apart, lens missing, cuts above my eyebrow, and had no memory of what had happened, which of course was scary. I’m thinking I really need some external help with this, but in no way can I afford it right now. The longest that I’ve made it all this whole fucking YEAR is 4 days. I know that what I really need to do is just stop completely, but that just doesn’t seem realistic. I hate to be so negative, but it’s just that nothing seems to work anymore. I’m really sorry to anyone who actually reads this.
Dec 13, 2010, 01:26PM PST | 3 cheers | 3 comments
I have spent this last week trying to teach myself some basic chords and strums on one of my uncle’s guitars while he is away in Hawaii. I’m house sitting and this house is filled with guitars, so I couldn’t help myself!
I’ve been playing on an acoustic for now but I don’t really care. Learning basic chords and strums has actually been very calming and is just what I need right now. :) Gotta start somewhere I guess.
Dec 13, 2010, 12:05PM PST | 0 comments
this is fucking impossible. For so many years it was just eat eat eat and forget about it. Just make the thoughts stop. Now I am plagued by what I ate a week ago, 4 days ago, yesterday, today… or got rid of, wasn’t able get rid of… It has become complete CHAOS inside my head. “Digestion” just feels SO sickening. How will I ever go back to NOT feeling or obsessing about something after I’ve eaten it?
Last week I broke blood vessels in my eye, which should have scared me but, of course it didn’t. The worst thing is that with all that I put myself through, I am still VERY overweight and probably less healthy than when I was over 330 lbs. I really don’t know what to do about this. It’s become like a habit to me. I’m lost.
Dec 13, 2010, 10:40AM PST | 0 comments
I'm doing 40 things
