stmarissa

I have made realizations about myself (flaws, bad habits, skills) that I too often ignore in daily life. What’s the use of the constant evaluation if I disregard what I’ve learned?

In particular, I want to remember that I am the happiest when manic and inspired. I would like to push through the barrier between thinking about doing things and actually doing them; creatively, academically and otherwise. That is much more conducive to the conditions in which I flourish.

I recently met up with a friend from my circus travels and he gave me the reminder I needed. I had gotten so tied up in school, scheduling, credit requirements, getting a job; that I forgot how amazing living is. I feel like I need this, these challenges, after indulging so long in the summer and in a beautiful boy, but I won’t let it destroy my desire. I want to create things and have adventures, and I don’t want it to be an escape. There is time for work and play, and room for one to become the other.

I’ve played for over half my life, but it’s always been…hard. I’ve been indifferent, passionate, elated, self-loathing, I’ve hated my parents for making me practice, wanted to destroy my instrument, reduce it to shards, kill whatever it was inside that was making me feel so awful.
Yet I love it so completely, this inanimate object, I can’t explain. I love it so much it hurts.
I stopped taking lessons a couple years ago. I was frustrated, I had bad habits, my teacher would tell me the same thing every week and I wasn’t making any progress. I became so angry with myself that I didn’t want to practice. So I wasn’t working, wasn’t getting better, and agonizing over it the whole time.
After an extended period of resignation and the pursuing of other interests, I recently took up the instrument again.
I just had my first lesson last week with a new teacher, and it almost destroyed me. I was playing so poorly, and she was so kind… I didn’t deserve her kindness.
Practicing has been really difficult. I can’t seem to sit down for more than a half hour without becoming overwhelmed and breaking down in tears. Then I come back in an hour and it happens again. I’ve started to ignore the etudes because I can’t sound the way I want to when I play them, and I hate that I’m doing that like it’ll fix my problems?! No. I wish I could break it down, think logically, spend three or four hours at a time working on exactly what I need. As it is, there’s too much tied into it. I’m obsessed now. Which is better than not practicing because I just don’t feel like it, because I could play video games instead, but… I don’t feel like I’m going about it the right way as it is now.
I need to get over this residual shit and focus on becoming a better player.