subject001

i giggle, i smirk, and snicker. i chuckle, snort, and smile. but i dont actually laugh on too many occasions. probably because i reserve it for groups, where we can share it with each other. but as ive gotten older, i dont gather with many people too often. and there arent as many opportunities to do so. its as if, for everytime i find myself alone, i have an excuse not to. so as long as i can break that habit, my laugh might be worth sharing again.

i dont want to do it better ; than who? i dont need to do it more often ; for what wage? and i dont have the desire to be more concise about it ; to what aim? i can live with not being clear enough the first time, and not making the best argument for what i consider my stake in the conversation. or making my intentions drastically clear in advance, or providing a stance for others the measure against. i just want to communicate word by word what im able to feel. without any pretext or authoritation. not out of obligation or insinuating charity. i wont need to consider it an honest trade, or apologize for what experience my feelings might accommodate. without any former regards, basically.

as much as breathing deeply is the ultimate goal, quitting smoking is the hurdle i need to jump. but listing that would give each cigarette its own hurdle. to put things in perspective i decided that i need something healthy over less of something that isnt. breathing deeply is my answer for every craving. and thankfully my lungs are starting to root in a broader sense of accomplishment.