summer83

just my defense left!!! 10 more days til!

I am done.

I am ready to live again.

I would never have guessed in a million years that this summer would be the summer I squished this thing inside me; the addicting, compulsive, overpowering screams of bulimia but I HAVE.

Recovery for me is kind of an oxymoron – it is the easiest and most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I think I reached a point (after over five years of battle) that I was ready to be done. I was tired of fighting. I really couldn’t do it anymore, it was not how I had pictured my life – being a caged up depressed obsessive being at war with an eating disorder.

Actually I should re-phrase that it wasn’t the easiest thing – but it was the simplest. F*ck sometimes it was the hardest thing – sometimes I just had to close my eyes and wait for it to go away and LEAVE ME ALONE!

It wasn’t until I realized they are all just thoughts, the mind is a very powerful entity, that feels like it has control over you. BUT everything has it’s polar opposite and it is also just as powerful if you use it to your advantage. Thoughts never made me a bulimic, my actions to those thoughts did, and there is ALWAYS CHOICE in your actions.

I had to break free of beliefs I held as truth. I had to accept that they weren’t truth and again they were just thoughts. I let spirituality into my life, and I had to forgive myself for ‘letting myself become bulimic’. This is something I can’t change and something that I have to surrender to. From suffering comes growth and learning, there is no other way – the only way out is through.

I am so excited to have my life back. I am so excited to have food in my house. I love cooking and making meals and I love exercise for what it is instead of a calorie combatant. I love yoga and my plants and playing my guitar, I love taking care and keeping a clean home. I love havng time to see friends and make plans – and not breaking those plans! I love life again, I feel happy again, I feel like I have love in me to give again. I feel like ME again.

There is no turning back, I have too many things I want to do in this short life of mine. But the first and foremost is being present and at peace with myself and my outter purpose will fall into place.

i may just be able to do this. it feels amazing. and actually not ‘may’ i will do this.

for the first time in over five years i feel like i am getting my power back over this mind-numbing destructive disease. i am fed up and angry about it now, mad that i have dedicated so much of my life and energy catering to this constant screaming bitch of an eating disorder. which only left me looking gaunt, tired, lethargic, depressed, obsessive, anxious and isolated – no way to live.

IT IS AN ADDICTION and it has to be treated as one, and for the first time i am realizing this first hand.

i thought i would never EVER get over this – i thought i would be like this for the rest of my life. i actually didn’t even believe people who said they had recovered. recovery is possible, i can’t believe i am actually saying that and believing it because i swear i was the worst of the worse.

once you get a glimpse of recovery and what life has to offer when you’re not preoccupied with an ED 24/7 there is no turning back. it isn’t easy – addictions are hard battles to fight – this is the hardest thing i think i’ve done in my life. it has knocked me down hundreds upon thousands of times over the years.

NO, IT ISN’T EASY BUT IT IS THAT SIMPLE. it’s as simple as taking a step back and saying NO i will not cave this time, or nope not this time either.. and everytime you say no you are taking your power back until it finally shuts up and goes away. if there is one phrase that has got me through every hard time it is that one.

i feel like i can breathe again. like i can finally start living again. i am not 100% but i am getting there.