summerki

i am soft
i am easy, non threatening person
i am talented in fine art
i am caring
i am good listener
i have a good heart
i am good looking
i am spiritual
i love people
i can cheer up the atmosphere
i know being myself is the truth
i keep my friendship for life long
i have excellent memory
i love video games
(to be continued)

today i maintain myself in a high energy and positive thinking mode at work (I tried to), i felt the different from how other people treated me, I felt like everyone is more approachable. i understand more from this experience that if i want a better day, i should not wait until good things happen to me, i need to be positive first.
at the end of the day, my boss’s friend who is a hair dresser, he is a guy that i always feel like he love to pick on people (from a negative pov) came and checked my hair for a while, then he said ” i can’t hold it anymore, where did u cut ur hair” i immediately became very sensitive and defensive, I just turned into the defend mode, even he said after “i wanted this hair cut”, i felt like he is laughing at me, picking on me as usual, i felt uneasy; after, he told me to eat more cuz i am too skinny, which made me felt like my perception was right.
after i left my work, as usual, this incident was wandering in my head, i kept analyzing what he said, i wanted to make sure what he meant was he liked my haircut so i can feel better. I stayed in my friends’ house for like an hour, this hour i could not let go of this negative thought, i became very quiet there, i didn’t talk much to my friends there, i felt like i am a failure because i was so easily defeated just by this comment, i felt little bit destroyed and hopeless at some point, but i did affirm with myself that this is all a learning process, i have been negative for years, it takes a lot of time to have a complete new attitude; after affirmation, my mood was lifted up a bit but still going back and forth.

Today I have to say I feel a bit of a brand new me in the first part of the day, then when the second part that i have to face people that i am afraid of, I handled it with the old me, my old negative thinking pattern, now i understand that I do not need him to like my hair to proof my self worthiness, what destroyed my mood was not him, it is my negative me, there is a reason that he love to criticize people, I understand that and i wish him the best. From this moment on, when this negative thinking start again, i will let my infinite higher self handle it. I love today and I will keep loving everday!

i m 24 and i hate myself still today
i was born gay and my childhood friends always think i am a girl
when i was a teenage i changed myself to try to fit in
it was the worst decision ever
but i learnt from it that i am who i am and there is no way to change what u r born with (try it and u will destroy urself completely)
now, people know me as a nice guy who is very peaceful, laid back, quiet, timid, weak, sensitive, moody and have low self-esteem, i m not a bad person to my friends, i still make friends but no one know the real me. i am not happy, i am carrying this negative attitude since the day i started changing myself to be a real man
i am starting a blog here about my process of becoming the real me. i have no idea if i will stop updating or what but i have hope that i will be successful and become a good example to the others.