I just came back to this site, looking over what I’ve written and whatnot. For a year, this place was pretty much left and forgotten on my part. Anyway, so I was reading… And I saw at different points in my life… There was like 185 as a middle-schooler, then during highschool—(I’m about 5’6)- 170s, I still remember 163 feeling like an accomplished day, being jaw-dropped amazed at 155. And I revised this goal at 158 so that by the time I was done, I would be good and right and happy by 138. Since that happened, weight fluctuated. Gains and whatnot.
Skipping quite a few details, this last december, I DID hit that 138 mark day. But I believe I had lost a good deal of muscle mass then. And I believe I hadn’t eaten for a few days. I was pretty smug-feeling for a while… I had started out healthy enough. Then things got fuzzy. Then it was just cutting calories down. Then more cutting. Then more. Until it was… just maybe a small snack and dinner. Or just some dinner. Or nothing. For a couple days. Or else, eating… and then seeing it again in the bathroom right after.
Headaches set it. Fuzzy thoughts. Seeing spots in my eyes. You know that feeling when you stand up too fast? I’d have that quite a bit, no matter if I was standing or sitting. Having to walk down the school halls, leaning on a wall. I was a straight A-student, but then this happened. Senior year. It was all I could focus on. For the first semeister of the year, I didn’t think I would be able to graduate—my grades had dropped so much. At times, it would get hard to breath. Brushing teeth or brushing hair was a get effort that I felt exhausted after.
Then, somehow, during the first part of ‘08-May, weight fluctated quite a grand deal. Mostly gains. Most of it was gains. a few loses, but overall—it all came back. And THEN some.
Anyways, its not that bad though. I’m not that bad now. It still gets bad and tough, but it’s not like how it was. I remember telling my boyfriend about it (we had started dating about a year ago) in the spring. He’ll cry sometimes, when I confess I’ve done it again. He’ll get mad and sad and frustrated and threaten to leave. He saw me ‘purge’ once. Most disappointing, humilating, shaming moment in my life.
I always thought “those girls” were so shallow, vain, and stupid for messing themselves up like that. I never wanted to be like one. And then I was one. I hated the people that would obsess over their weight. Now I am one.
But, it’s healthier now—for the most part. Eating fruits and veggies, trying to not eat beef and pork, and getting daily activity.
Though my self-esteem is damaged. Weight is always in my mind, but I’m trying to have it not be. Sometimes I’ll just have days of heavy depression because I feel like my body isn’t good enough. And there are “relapses”—of which also cause me to feel depressed.
And now… Now I mostly waver between 144-148 (though I only weigh myself a few times a month—if that).
My point is… well, you get the point without me stating it bluntly, right?