swingline

i had an epiphany today: the way to keep your legacy alive is to reach people. The best, and only way to really do this is to truly care about people. This is not a thing that can be feigned. When you take the focus off of yourself, and truly take interest in others, only then can you make a difference.
I have a constant inner struggle with selfish vs unselfish. I remember contemplating the Psych 101 concept of all babies being born innately selfish. How at odds this ideology made me – of course we all want to consider babies and children the picture of innocence. But is selfish really selfish if one has never considered the definition of selfish?
So, I say to you, and myself, concern yourselves with others. There is much to learn about ourselves from our fellow man, and in that way, we can be what we were meant to be: selfishly unselfish – selfish and unselfish at the same time.

I continue to move toward this dream, and I’m happy to report that I’m closer than ever before. I’m enrolled in university and taking italian 3 in a couple of weeks (along with art history classes). I’ve spent countless hours weeding through study abroad programs and I’ve found a few that seem worth while as well as affordable. Ok, so it’s not full blown living there. But short of packing up and taking off, I think that an art history degree with a minor in italian coupled with a semester abroad should afford me more opportunity than just sitting here and dreaming. It seems to be the best jumping off point that I can come up with right now.
It’s amazing what obsession will cause you to accomplish. People always say that if you really want something, you’ll find a way to get it. 6 months ago, spending a chunk of time abroad as a non-turist seemed an impossiblity, as did going back to school. If I never fully realize my dream of living abroad, at least I’m earing a degree in the meantime – what a great consolation.

...doesn’t seem like very long to most people, but I don’t think that I’ve actually gone that long without a drink in over a year, maybe longer. 11 days ago, loaded out of my mind, I lost my balance an took a spill – hurt my arm pretty bad. I’s just about healed now, but for the first week, each time I felt pain when I tried to use my arm was a reminder of the changes that I need to make. do I need treatment? yes, maybe so. I’ve tried the AA thing before and it’s just not for me. Likely story, right?
Seriously though, I don’t agree with their tenets. Mainly, I don’t think that it’s psychologically healthy or valid to admit powerlessness over our addictions. How are we even expected to abstain if this is the case? Unless one is physically addicted, then they can make a choice – it’s all about self-control. Don’t misunderstand, I think that AA has worked wonderfully for countless amounts of people and I have the utmost respect those people and the organization, but I don’t think it’s for everyone.
Back to my point, I realize that I have many personal issues that need to be addressed that have led me to this point,and that it’s not simply about self control. I know that if left unaddressed, these issues will probably cause me to fall into the same pattern as before. So that’s my goal, to build myself up and really work on me. As for drinking, it doesn’t seem to fit into the plan right about now. I think that making a commitment to quit for good is simply too much pressure. When the time is right, I will indulge again. Who knows, maybe the time will never be right again.