Ethan

I really don’t fully understand why I get so angry, usually over nothing of real consequence. I didn’t even realize I was so temperamental until recently. I think some people who’ve gotten to know me in grittier situations, not just in social settings, but settings where there is a goal involved and challenges to be faced, have seen me lose my temper, and I think they’ve tried to reflect that back at me, but I’ve been in denial about it until now.

I think it’s gotten worse, which may be, ironically, a good thing. I think whatever the source of this crap is, it needs to be dealt with, certainly before I can be a good husband, before I have kids. I think my anger is holding me back from accomplishing so many of the other things on my list, because, well… for a lot of reasons. Reasons that are clear to me, but not so easy to put into words.

I don’t feel good about myself, and I’m not sure how I can start until I get over my anger, and I don’t know how I can do that until I start to feel better about myself… I really have no idea how to break this cycle.

Being a week from my birthday, Valentine’s day is a little heavy for me. When I was 16 (almost 17), and very awkward around girls, I actually had a date for a Valentine’s day party, but she chose to break-up with me- at the party. (Several years later, she went out of her way to apologize, which is nice I guess.)

Nothing that bad has happened since then, but the holiday remains less then thrilling for me. It’s not that I don’t like the concept of a day celebrating love, but as someone who has been single far more often than not, all those hearts and teddy bears and red and pink fluffy things just kind of rankle. It sort of feels like the world is rubbing my nose in it.

I’d really prefer to get over it. Chocolate is good and I like those little conversation hearts (am I the only one who actually thinks they taste good?) Right now I’m dating someone who also hates Valentine’s day, so if we’re still together in a few weeks, maybe we could both hate it together? I don’t hold out any hope of (sweeping her)/(being swept off my) feet, but just once being able to say “yeah, it was pretty good, actually” on Feb 15th would be good enough for me.

I’d been playing Dance Dance Revolution (a dancing-themed video game) about every other day for a few weeks, but started slacking a little this last few days. It’s helping my stamina, for sure, I don’t know about any other benefits, though. The game keeps track of calories, but I doubt it’s very accurate. Still, at aprox. 250 kcal a day, it’s not an insignificant work-out, but it’s hopefully just a start point to more vigorous activity.