tangerinedream7

I like to listen to music, when i’m exercising, traveling, shopping, etc.. I was getting very tired of buy a $10 pack of batteries every other week to support my habit. So I bought a used Ipod nano for a consignment shop for $40. Now I’m saving money and still enjoying something I love to do.

Well the story goes all the way back to November 2006 when I broke up with my first really serious boyfriend. I told him everything about myself, things that I kept secret from the rest of the world and things were going great until he had a mental relaspe and accused me of cheating on him. So then I took a seven month break from dating, until i got myself together. Seven months later I lost a little weight, got back into school, paid off some debt, worked my butt off at work, etc… and then decided to go back on the dating market. I joined a number of dating sites because I never really know of any single guys and with everything else that goes on in my life I’m so busy that I never really have time to sit back and say “hey I’m single, wanna date?” I still wasn’t really comfortable with my body because it wasn’t at the weight that I wanted it to be at. But I went through a bunch of dates, finally I met a guy who I thought was the one we had a ton of stuff in common and he made me feel really good about myself, because looks didn’t really matter much to him. We dated for three weeks and then, friday of last week, out of the blue he calls me and tells me I act too much like a friend to him and he didn’t want to date anymore. At that moment I felt like I would have much rather have my heart stop beating, for good. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I would rather do some good for myself and just stop dating for another year. I think ultimately I’m happier this way, because I know I’m not going to break up with myself. Work on other goals, finish school, save money and just be happy that I’m the one I want.

I’ve been able to forgive people who have hurt me. I’ve been able to accept situations for what they are and what they may turn out to be. But I have NEVER been able to accept myself. It’s my biggest secret, because in my circle of friends I’ve always been the “confident” one, the one that tries to bring up everyone else self-esteem, when in turn i’m the most insecure out of all of them. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and i pick out things i can change about myself, i daydream about what life would be like if i had (fill in the blank). I come up with a scenario and then change it before the day is done. All of this because for years I have believed the only way to accept myself is to have others accept me, first. This has kept me from living my life as a whole person. Today I say this ends now! So far I’ve been writing a list out of 100 things I want to change about myself. After I’m done I’m going to seriously sit down and ask myself “why do I want to change this about myself, is it for me or is it to get someone else to accept me?” I think ultimately that’s what i need to do to be a whole happy person agian.