Tica

I finally did it. This is my second try, and it worked. I thought I was going to open his e-mail on Day 60, but whether it was due to a stressful week, a bunch of other things to do, or not wanting to be upset, I waited a few more days. Also, I was surprised that I wasn’t anxious anymore, I was like: I can read them today or tomorrow or whatever…Definitely an improvement since the first time I got an e-mail from him after the breakup.

Tonight was sad. He sent me another e-mail today, so I read all three e-mails that we were waiting in my mailbox. He’s saying he’s still confused, but he’s turned down girls because he thinks he’s still looking for someone like me (it’s hard to believe girls were really asking him out, but whatever). He says he might never know for sure, but maybe we had something and he keeps thinking about me. It’s been almost 6 months since the breakup, and 5 months since I saw him last time. He says he hasn’t asked me to come back until now only because he’s not sure, not because he doesn’t want me. He says that I am the only thing that feels like “home” to him.

I don’t trust his words. I wrote him a long e-mail, since I had a lot to say and have been waiting for this. Basically, I reminded him of all the times he’s hurt me, and told him I changed to be a happier person, and I want to find someone who’ll really care about me.

He was asking me if I have moved on and don’t have feelings for him anymore. Well, it’s not really about “my feelings” – it’s about the way I don’t believe him anymore. I didn’t say I don’t have feelings, but I did say that if he’s confused, then I’d prefer he’d be confused with someone else, not me.

That’s that. I sent that e-mail to him. I hope he doesn’t keep e-mailing me, that would only disturb me. I’m going to sleep. Hopefully i’ll wake up in a better mood. I have a lot of things to get done on the weekend, and I don’t want to start thinking about him anymore.

Yes I’m doing this again, and only 11 days left to go. I started again on October 13th, after I’ve realized I was failing that goal by responding to him.

It was really difficult during the Thanksgiving week because he was back in town, and repeatedly called, e-mailed and texted me. I felt bad and guilty for not responding. I felt paranoid at work because I was afraid I might see him there any time. But, I didn’t. I guess it wasn’t meant to be – he called and e-mailed, but didn’t try to find me. So, I only became stronger and learned how to withstand the temptation, and I know he desperately misses me (proud as he is, he called multiple times and even left a voice message which he never does). I missed him and thought about him much more the week he was here. As soon as he went back, I felt better (it’s funny – I didn’t even see/talk to him, but I somehow felt he was close by, and I couldn’t be at peace).

I am kind of waiting for the 60 days end – there is an e-mail from him sitting in my mail box that I didn’t read. I want to know what it says, I’m just curious. I’m not scared anymore that it will say “I want you back” because if it does, I’ll have the strength to say “I don’t believe you, I won’t trust you anymore”.

He’s probably very mad at me now. Maybe it’s (slightly) my fault that I didn’t explicitly tell him about 60 days. On the other hand, we never really “talked” after the breakup anyway, and when we did exchange e-mails, I told him a couple of times I wanted a break from contact with him (and he ignored this request every time). I’m not going to feel guilty about it. He hurt me so much, and this is what I have to do to recover.

I think this is it. I’m going to mark it as “I’ve done this”. No, I’m not over him, yet I’m not about to be running back to him either. I think I’ve reached a point in the healing process where the rate of “healing” will decrease, but the healing will still go on, more slowly. I know I have done the critical part of the “healing” curve already.

He contacted me 2 days ago, again by IM at work (I hate that), and asked me if I’m going to be at that party next week, he’s flying back for our friend’s party. I said I won’t since he’s going to be there. It was a brief conversation. I asked him directly why he wanted to see me, and he gave back the same old “I don’t expect anything. I just want to see you. We used to be so close all the time”. I tried to set him straight by saying “you wanted to break up, so you didn’t want to be close anymore”. Isn’t this true? It wasn’t an irrational decision, he thought about it for a while, and decided he wanted to break up. So, that implies he didn’t care about being so close, in fact he didn’t want to be.

I feel he still has too much control over my emotions, but not so much my actions anymore. Every time I get something from him, I run out of breath, and it takes me hours to get to more or less normal condition where I can concentrate on things. Why is this, what can I do to stop it?

I even feel weird when I hang out with mutual friends because they remind me of him, even when we don’t talk about him. He doesn’t have that problem. I am so weak. I don’t know how to let go and not be mad at him; how to just move on past the bad and the good?

On the bright side, I think these times when I’m upset happen less and less frequently. Since the time we broke up, I became a much happier person: I met new friends, I went to Costa Rica and had amazing experiences, I am doing better with school and work, I’m generally happier about life every day. It’s hard at times, but those for you who are out there in the same boat, keep going. 60 days is a really good thing. I would have still been his slave if I didn’t stop the contact. Good luck everyone!