I never erased this account, and here I see a record of the time when I was in this same boat… I left 3 years ago, but after a few months allowed myself to be seduced back into the relationship. I allowed myself to be impressed by the little bit of work he’d done on himself.
I now know that this kind of work takes a long time. I don’t have any more time, or much of anything else, to give to that relationship. So here I am back here. with my phony “drink water” goals and all that – actually i think i was so wiped out back then that I had to give myself such commands to even function…
There are days when it’s like that again. After the initial thrill of reconnecting with a few good folks (AND that is STILL a JOY!), it was hard coming back to 43T and seeing many of my old pals gone. (I so prefer this place to the mania of facebook.) It was both good and also difficult to see how some had progressed in their own lives, in light of a perceived lack of progress in my own. I mean people went from wanting children to having a couple of kids! Or from reevaluating one’s single self to flirting, dating, and finding what hopes to be love of the long term promise kind….
On such a desolate day, it is easy to feel bad about time lost and fears that I may have sustained some real damage over the last few years. It’s hard to be grateful for escaping with my life when I see everyone around me getting on with, really living, their lives.
Today I tried once again to go downstairs. It is so difficult for me to bring myself to go into the mangled backyard and the mess of glass shards in the greenhouse. I try to bring the plants in but it is overwhelming to go in there. I’m afraid the little pear tree will die.
I saw the danger of continuing that relationship, saw it coming back when I started this account, and even a year before that, after we had only know each other for a few months and things had started to turn….
I remember starting this because I was paranoid – not just paranoia – he had indeed come onto 43 T and was reading and posting on my stuff. He had previously muscled his way into my little blogging community, and was trying to be controlling with the cellphone all the time. Controlling is super creepy to me. He was a typical abuser: attentive, devoted, and ultimately controlling and frightening. Like a jekyll and hyde personality, often quite a wonderful guy, but when he became insecure, he would go into an altered state. So I found myself changing bit for bit in an effort to avoid situations that might trigger his insecurity. He doesn’t recall or acknowledge those times he hit me (hard – like seeing stars hard), kicked me (I limped for a week), grabbed me up by the feet to drop me down on my head (yes he could have broken my neck), or slammed me against the wall….
Even worse, I started to block these things out, too. He would ask me why? If my response involved the mention of any of his abusive behavior, he would berate me for “bringing up the past.” His verbal abuse will take a long time to get out of my psyche. He still (after 2 + months separation) engages in spates of email and phone harassment. I am still not entirely certain of being in the clear as far as my physical safety, but generally I think I’m safer than I was a couple of months ago – mostly because he has some money now, and maybe some other possibilities to focus on, instead of letting his fear of life – the life he created for himself – turn into violence against me.
So he started to see a therapist for his anger issues. I should be happy about that but I’m concerned as he seems to think that a few therapy sessions will bring me back. No matter what, I will not go back. I understand there are times when one makes some sacrifices for love. But whatever beginnings of love I had felt for him were stunted early on. I feel compassion for him, but I have given up hope of love ever being able to grow there.
Well, that’s enough for now.
I'm doing 8 things
