“Grudges are a waste of happiness.
Laugh when you can,
Apologize when you should,
and let go of what you can’t change.”
i NEED to forgive them. this is emotionally wearing me down. i know what i have to do… but it seems almost near impossible. How do you forgive someone that has hurt you so deeply and doesn’t even realize it because they are so wrapped up in their own pain?
my favorite song lyrics “i can’t help you fix yourself, but at least i can say i tried, i’m sorry but i gotta move on with my own life.”
hm lacrosse fall ball is coming up soon and I’m pretty sure the captains are going to kick our asses into shape this year.
I’m a sophomore and I know whats coming and I can’t let the incoming freshmen come in and kick my ass bc that would just dissapoint everyone.
I feel like I have huge shoes to fill this year I mean HUGE. The girl I’m supposed to be replacing (that is if I get my ass into gear) was Division three defender of the year. No worries right?
If I can convince myself before I get to school that I am capable of running long distance well then maybe I won’t have to be so stressed out about that and can actually concentrate on becoming the best defender I can be. Lets hope that is enough motivation for me.
Ancient middle east?
Great wall of China (i’m not sure if this technically falls under the same category)
is it selfish to just sometimes want to go into a middle of a room and yell WHAT ABOUT ME?
this is hard when you are surrounded by people who can’t do exactly this. They cannot forgive. And all they do is judge. At the same time I look at them and its like ok. That is how I do NOT want to be.
Last night the girl that had slept with my ex-boyfriend (not my ex at the time she slept with him) showed up at a party I was at and I was fuuuurious however I’ve decided that I’m just not going to care. I’m going to forgive her silently and stop giving her death stares. Besides, its taking away from my good time and its water underneath the bridge.
I feel like if I could forgive my two best friends for everything they’ve put me through I would be a much happier person. This shall take time but I am determined to have forgiven them before I leave for VA again.
hmmm historic presvation major + american studies go to grad and then go work in museums or something fun like that OR major in history… go get my law degree and work in civil rights kinda things.
sometimes i find it hard to judge less and forgive more the people you’ve known forever because you feel like you know them so well and you’ve been through so much … that it just gets exhausting.
i constantly forgive my friends for the doing the same things over and over again but am i only hurting them and myself when i let them continue to do the same things?
It is not the critic who counts; Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; Who strives valiantly; Who errs, and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; But who does actually strive to do the deeds; Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; Who spends himself in a worthy cause; Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worse, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. —Theodore Roosevelt
This is one thing I know I am passionate about. The fight. The failing. The winning. The blood, sweat, and tears. So cliche but so true. Lacrosse is such a huge part of my life that if all else fails well at least I know I can look back at my life and know that I had something. Something that made me so happy because it wasn’t easy and I worked hard to be the best that I could be.
I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.
This is ridiculous. I can’t even say no to boys. I’m so afraid of just being honest with people. If I can’t say no I’ll just ignore their calls and such and they STILL won’t get the hint. Right now my best friends ex-boyfriend can’t keep his hands off me. Especially if hes been drinking. And I don’t wanna cause a scene and cause drama when I’m with all my friends chilling because hes my good friend too. And I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings. But at the same time he is putting me in a suuuch a bad situation. I hate this. And I’m sure to other people it sounds so easy, just tell him to stop, just pull him aside and kindly tell him your situation, just say no.
but thats the thing. I can’t.
Being on a girls lacrosse team i feel like i’m consumed by gossip. People pretending to best friends then going behind their backs and talking SO MUCH SHIT. And thats what i’m afraid of. fakeness. I hate to think that people are being fake to me. Fake being my friend.
And of course I feel guilty because I know that I do it too. Nice to someones face but then scowl at their backs. Its so hard to stop. But I know that if I want people to be real with me I need to be real with them. I need to stop judging people for their quirks because everyone has them and sometimes you may not know someones background, why they are the way they are.
So starting today I’m going to try to start accepting people for the way they are. Forget the bad and find the good.
its summer time and that means all the time in the world to do what i want.
to be passionate.
this summer has so much potential. potential to be good or potential to be freakin dramatic (my best friends middle name i do believe).
we’ve made plans. go to austin for the weekend, the beach, san marcos, the river, camping. hopefully it will all follow through as this may be my last summer in texas.
passionate living here i come.
mm favorite quotes.
You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing, and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.
Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow delightful conditions, all heavenly environment; of these if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built
For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.
last night i just chilled with my two good friends in their new apartment! And it was wonderful.
I was good.
And I only feel alittle bad today.
This weekend (weekend after finals) shall be the true test.
sometimes i think i get so caught up in other peoples feelings i forget about my own. and then after over a year of constant worrying about other people and trying to fix other people i just broke down. i haven’t had a breakdown like this in sooo long.
and i realized that sometimes for my own mental and emotional health i need to stop worrying sooo much about everyone else. when you live with a moody person 24/7 it effects you when you expend all your energy trying to fix them. By forgeting about myself i feel like i’ve lost passion. I’ve lost my constant happiness and passion for living life to the fullest.
everyone has two choices. either spend your life upset and depressed or choose to look at things optimistically and be happy. i choose the latter.
i will not let people who are moody and pissy all the time bring me down. I will not let them effect my zest for life.
i hate running.
today its cold and rainy and the boys team have priority in the gym because they have a CAC game tomorrow. bitches won’t even win bc their record sucks ass.
while we have a winning record and could use the freakin gym but no. we have to go outside. in the rain and cold. and practice.
i ran yesterday and it sucked. i will run today and it will suck more. this goal SUCKS.
yesterday, a lovely tuesday night i decided i would go out because it was my girls birthday. But i wasn’t going to get drunk. nope …. 12 beers later I’m being carried home bc I can’t even walk. Sigh. I need to learn when to stop. Otherwise my college years are going to be one drunk blur. I’d like to remember the people i meet and maybe form some real relationships. Not just you’re drunk and i’m drunk so we’re best friends tonight! Also maybe I would actually make it to class occasionally.
So starting now. I’m going to work on being a better drunk. Learning when to stop and when to say no.
hmm this going along a lot faster than I expected.
I wrote to papa coach this long email about lacrosse and how I was truely happy and content and how in the end when I’m a senior I can look back at my freshmen year and have the largest feeling of satisfaction. Satisfaction because I will see how hard I had to work and how far I’ve gotten.
Realizing that. Realizing that even though I’m not starting and playing like I did in highschool but still love lacrosse so much and that I want to work hard and sacrifice to get back to that spot makes me feel such at peace with myself. I no longer doubt myself.
I love lacrosse, I loooove my school and my friends and family and my team. This whole loving everything theme I got going on is really working for me :)