the_emilyon

I’ve pretty much confronted the fact that this isn’t for me at this point in time. I don’t feel particularly good about that, but it’s true, nonetheless. I understand my husband’s need to search and search for some kind of magic bullet that we’ve heretofore overlooked, but I can only tell him so many times and so many ways that this no longer makes me happy, and that no amount of fixing is going to change that state of affairs at this point. I am already exhausted, and yet I have a feeling that I have not yet begun to understand the meaning of exhausted. There’s a long way to go still, a long way to get to the point where he can do more than say he accepts my decision and actually accepts my decision and finds the strength to move on. I want him to. I want to help, if I can, but I’m just afraid it’ll wear me down so much.

...I’ve ever done did not turn out to be admitting to my husband that I don’t love him anymore. Just working up the courage to do it, knowing how much it hurts him and me, was the hard part. And now I’ve done it, and I think we’re both relieved, even if neither of us is happy about it.

There’s no logic to this at all. It kills me because I can’t explain my feelings to him. There’s no explanation to give. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but neither has it been bad. If the love was still there, I believe the problems we’ve had could be fixed. But it’s just not. I wish I still loved him, but I just don’t, and that’s not his fault or mine.

I have made him a promise, though, that I can fulfill. Before he gets back next week, I am going to see a counselor on my own, and when he comes home we are going to go together. He has said that in the two weeks we’ll be together before he has to leave again, he is going to be the best husband he can be. And if, at the end of that time, I still don’t want to be with him, he says he’ll know “it’s not him,” and that he’ll be able to accept my choice. I admire him so much for this and I only hope that I will be able to act as gracefully towards him as he is acting towards me.

I know that whatever happens it will be ok, and that I’ll come out of this a wiser person and move forward with my life. I just need to remember to tell myself this, and I’ll make it through the next day.

The ability to appear other than I am—taller than my actual height (5’2”), and unlike someone who drinks Guinness. It’s a superpower, I think.