Anamika Dugger

We’re both 25, I’ve been dating him for a year and 4 months or so, and it’s been long distance the whole time. He’s a great boyfriend; he loves me, respects me, would do anything for me, sends me cards and flowers, listens to me when I’m upset, and truly, honestly, wants to work things out. It’s a very stable and comfortable relationship, and I always know what to expect.

But I’ve changed a lot since we met – I’ve moved twice since we started dating, once just to get out of my parents’ house, and now almost all the way across the country. Not only am I in a completely different place than I was when we started this relationship, but I don’t even see him in my future any more. He plans to move to the city that I’m currently in when he finishes grad school in the spring, and I don’t want him to. He’s open to getting married, and I definitely don’t want to marry him.

I’ve been torturing myself about it for months; I can’t help but blame myself for how I feel, but I also know that I have to move on. But how?!

He’s in Europe on vacation right now & I can’t get in touch with him even by phone. I want to do it in person out of respect for him, but I don’t want to have him fly all the way out here just to have to go home depressed, so I guess I should do it by phone… Thoughts or suggestions? I think I just need to bite the bullet and get it over with.

I was so, so lucky. My depression came mostly in the form of a giant fog. Most of the time I simply did not know what I was feeling, what was going on around me, how I was relating to other people, and so on. It was like I was disconnected from the world. I was committed to the psych ward, literally less than a week before my college graduation, against my will. But once there, my head cleared somehow and I realized that this was not the way my life had to be. I did not need to be miserable all the time. I wasn’t doomed. That was the kicker. Of course I’m still on daily medication and see my therapist 2x a month, and of course I have nights when I cry myself to sleep, and panic attacks, and moments of hopelessness. I am not a bright ray of optimism, by any means. But the sadness, when it comes, is different: I simply have perspective now.

Everyone has their moment of clarity. Grab it when you get it and don’t let go. It’s hard as hell, but it’s worth it.

I spent the last year languishing as an English and Latin teacher, waiting the year out so that I could escape and find a new job in my “chosen” field. I had an editorial internship in college, but that’s the extent of my real publishing experience. Well, on Monday I start work at a research institute; I’m going to be proofreading the standardized tests that they write and print for elementary to high school students. Proofreading 9-5 every day. To my friends this sounds like grunt work. But I am so excited. Different minds, I suppose. I’ll call this in progress, but not completed quite yet. Next step is to move to a company that publishes “real” books.