theundeadX

a couple months ago i re-met a guy that i have had a confusing tangle with before. He appoligied and wanted to be friends. so from the first day of school on we have been hanging out every day, in our group of friends. I really started to develop feelings for him- how he would hug me, play around with me, talk to me, look at me, i couldnt get enough of it. after a couple of weeks i had realized there were several others under the same treatment of him. A girl far away, a girl from another school, a girl i had never met before, and a girl who was a new friend of mine. i should have fucking known what he was all about. I later discovered there was one girl- who he clamed to me they were just friends- that he prioritised her and I was just the one that happened to be wherever at the time. I denyed that i liked him. i knew personally inside that i could do so much better than him, him being so imature, and that i was better than all the girls he showed interest in. They were nothing, and i was not going to ammount to them. I started telling myself that i only wanted to sleep with him, not really love him. i was sick of it. i did like him, alot. i couldnt show it around him because the way he is around girls is not the way i am around guys. but he knew. last saturday we got wasted together- you know the usual what happens at the party stays at the party- and i know has does not sleep around. the next day he barely seemed like he acknowledged the fact that out of all the girls, i was the one he slept with. he was with me and my friend christina ( who he likes) and gave me shit about how i took his jacket (which he gave me) and i’m just thinking, “so out of these two girls, the one who you slept with is the one you treat like shit?” what and asshole! im sick of it, but the loving eyes he gives me and the hugs and the happiness he shares with me is so mesmorising that i cant get past it. i need to, but im afraid to watch him be all over my friends and leave me thinking ” why them but not me?”

i started boxing and fell in love with it. i havent been eating that well from sugary food but 5 hours of boxing a week does the trick. 5 inches in two months. i cant really say i finished this goal because i think im 10 pounds less than when i made this goal, because I gained 20 pounds from before.Im noticing it and peole are too! i cant really measure myself in weight because i have muscles from boxing every day and lifting weights. In about a month im sure i will be one healthy lookin’ person.

so much anxiety is drawing me back like a fly caught in a web.it seems the only emotion that i express in social situations among large groups is anger. anger from being betrayed and mistakes from things i have done when i put all of myself out there with no holding back. i wish i could find the balence between control and freedom.