thinkofitdoit

I have a headache.

Great day, then we got the mortgage offer we’ve been worrying about and waiting for, then I felt confused and weird and lost the plot a bit. You’d have thought I’d have felt suddenly positive and redoubled my efforts. I really thought I’d be taking this few months to not only lose weight but address this whole ‘eating for comfort’ issue, it was the whole point of going through this. I know that moving house is up at the top of the scale along with deaths etc but if I don’t get to grips with why every thought goes out of the window when stress comes into force then I might as well have never started this diet.

I’m going to cut myself a bit of slack, because this has definitely been the hardest thing I’ve had to do in 40 years, and that includes pregnancy, divorce, etc. I am fortunate in that I’ve never lost someone in a way I don’t understand. I believe in the next great adventure so when someone dies it’s the next step for them, as sad as it is for me. I find it comforting and it gives me strength. Moving away from my sons and mother, knowing they are still here when I’m not has left me flailing around unable to comprehend how i’m going to cope. I am sure I will – I’ll be amazed if I don’t cope – amazed, I am pretty strong on the whole). It’s such a weird thing, it’s not like I won’t see them. My son is often in and out before I can ruffle his hair but we share a space, even if it’s at different times, and his essence is everywhere (and I’m not just talking about stinky socks on the floor). I feel him, I know he’s been here, I’m comforted by it. At almost 20 I see less and less of him and it’s a natural path, an emptying nest. My younger son – moving to his father’s before he’d normally choose to be untying the apron strings – is going to be particularly difficult to be apart from. It’s no surprise that I reach for some hot buttered toast in the wake of this tidal wave of change. There must be a bloody busy butterfly somewhere.

I care about my driving instructor, he’s a really nice chap. He tells me about his lovely family, his much loved daughter who fought her way back from serious illness to get married and present him with his adored grandchild. He’s a nice man and has given me lashings of confidence about my driving over the last year, confidence I never thought I’d have.

We talk about our savings, houses etc and although we’ve invested in different ways (me in houses, him in shares) we’ve both had plenty to chat about. Recently the stock market has caused both of us a fright. I’ve found myself feeling concerned for his retirement plans when I see the state of the economy, in the way I worry about my elders, my mum and dad, aunties etc.

Today I went for a lesson and I think I may have paid to give him two hours therapy. We kept laughing and trying to keep off the subject but he couldn’t help talking about money, I don’t blame him mind you. I have poured my heart out on more than one or two occassions since I started lessons with him so I guess I owe him one. Next week though I think I’ll concentrate on parallel parking.